people reading in the tube

maybe it's a side effect of getting old
to find that my heart was endeared to intimate gatherings
with soothing background music; sophisticated solitary guitar
defined by honest conversations
fostering realizations into jars, floating like fire flies

people reading in the tube
furnished my understanding that there is tranquility
in the midst of disturbance

it's not just because it's Tuesday
nor it's about the fact that there is an exceptional sunset
sometimes it's just nice to look at the great scenery
don't matter what you'd be doing as long as you're doing it
yours truly

information fills the river more than it fills itself
I want to be immersed by it, oh all the days of my life
but some days can't be touched they remain uneventful; monochromatic
why are newspapers monochromatic?
please don't answer that
pay attention to what noises bring instead
don't be stressed
you got this
again
yours truly

prologue, parts 1&2, then the epilogue
thanks for listening
I'm nearing my stop; this might just be it
goodbye for now

everything

I'm broke
and getting more broke
it's not this that makes me sad
but the notions that I tend to create but
can't be
for I am too weak

the good and the bad
feelings are apparently quite mixed up
for what is it that I can bear what
the world might bring forth
I have no idea at all

I can look beyond the waters
but all I see are the blues
flooding and crashing down on
enormous rocks
splashing but never making a point
my feet are sinking under the sand
my head looking down
who am I
where am I
what am I doing

perhaps you could say
I'm lost
I wouldn't say that's a misjudgment
but I will nod
but be a dear and understand this
I give you the horizons
connoting all that I have been through
I'm at fault
and falling all the more
in my pit of faults

if my mind is to be made into an art mesuem, the most popular piece is this

I had a fight with the sea
"I don't know if ever anyone has ever looked
at me in a plain sight."
I could hear in the night the lapping
of the water with low sounds

I have known nothing
of all the many changes

words alone are certain good
dancing past me whirled
the great sea was young
raging at its own image
it was too soft

it never learned

but it continued on
with a silent assurance and quiet voice
in tune with waves it creates
pulling all the it touches back north

my mind is made of bumps and wounds
black and blue
searching for a congenial clue

this is the art of moving on, eventually

I am talkative when I write

hello, friends!

I am back from (the future) the cRAZY phase once again. I want to apologize quickly for my lack of presence over here. This is probably the 100th time I said that—I feel so ashamed!

Setting that aside, I've been really busy. AS IN the actual busy with school and all that. Whatever that means. Hahmkidding. I love learning. But lately, I've been slacking with schoolwork so So so I have to catch up. Like literally run towards my goal. For those who are unaware, which I take are all of you, I am in grade 9 (that pretty much just means I am a year late). We enrolled just this month and I have to finish ASAP. I want to be done by december but part of me says that's a little too soon that it would mean rushing. I don't like rushing school. If anything it's really the worst thing. But as my mom says, I got to submit my portfolio for my first-second (or maybe third) quarter on november. Also, I have to mention, I've been in grade 9 since may (we just didn't get to enroll). So on the here and now, I've been causing myself to accomplish much in each day that passes because I bet that's what I require myself to. Plus, I feel brighter knowing that I've accomplished something daily. As opposed to not getting anything done which is just hands down disappointing.

In terms of my writing, I actually never stopped. I am compiling poems and compulsively putting down my feelings on paper. I haven't been here around because I am having a hard time finding time to type in what I wrote or I'm just really lazy at times. I'm actually still contemplating whether I'd put up one of my poems here because I'm saving them for something. But I'll try to come up with something else to keep this blog alive. I'm running out of things to say since most of the more obvious happenings I write on my journal and others that have linear storyline I write as poems. Like guys, I haven't tweeted anything particularly clever or deep in a while because I feel like they've all been written already. And I hate repeating myself. You know my dream is to be a good communicator. But if repeating myself is the best way for people to get the point or in my case to get myself to really chew on what I just said then why not. But I really don't like being repetitive. It does show consistency though but my goodness, I can't even explain what I mean these days. But I think you kind of get it (I hope!). I will be keeping this blog updated, I don't want yoy guys thinking that writing is such a tenuous thing for me to do because I'd gladly do it anytime.

So on the precipice of my ever wandering mind, everything has been going neutral. I want to be back on the hype, to be honest. My days have been rapid and boring. So excuse me if I prattle so much so. Call me loquacious. Sharing is one of my things now. I really just want to get things going.

At the moment, as I've said, school stress is WAY above the surface. It's tuesday and I studied biology. I am in kingdom fungi. Much less diverse than the previous one which is the kingdom Protista. That kingdom gave me multiple headaches. Headaches over headaches. So imagine the fun. I'm grateful though because when I start thinking about chemistry it somehow eases the level of the pain since it is much much MUCH harder for me. I am learning the secret of being content day by day. One thing I feel pretty left behind with is that I don't have a microscope which is pretty essential in biology. But I'm pushing through without it. Fighting spirit is always needed in everyone's journey with academics! On the overwhelmingly brighter side, it's wednesday tomorrow. MY FAVORITE DAY. I can't really tell why I like wednesdays. I just feel like I'm balancing since it is sort of the "middle" day of the week. And I can't feel anymore prouder of myself when I see my wednesday of the week approaching. It's just a piece of mountain air.

In a few minutes it'll be 12am!

So in order for the rest of the things I wrote here, that has to do with time, to remain accurate I guess I would have to leave now. Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed. I will be back soon. Goodnight!

heads | continuous line

language of birds

i took a walk that morning
like i always do
i stood beside a steady lake and gazed
upon this hilarious queue of corvid
as this old lady threw pieces
of, i suppose, white bread on the ground
quietly sitting on a cruddy bench

i observed
like i always do
some of the birds would touch the surface
of the water

out of thirst, i thought maybe

and a small ripple would turn
into a small wave

i come home and sit
eat my almond butter toast
like i always do
for a split moment i bet i could fly
flap my made pretend wings against the
whirling wind

i towered on the top of the mountain
i saw the world beneath the white air
crystal blue water, green forests and
the scene between humongous grey rocks

i could've stayed but i left
like i always do

it's k

   Hi there, long time no see - I feel like I'm starting all of my posts that way, I'm sorry. This is going to be a post mainly just an upkeep for me to literally just dump whatever is in my head. Told you guys before that I will be doing this a lot, I hope you don't mind. Ha. 

   Okay, starting off, I just want to address and take in to account that I think I'm like bearing a soul of 78 year old lady from the down the street because I have been taking naps quite often but then again it is my favorite thing to do at the moment and I'm not sure when it will be not. Ooops. Anyway, with that in mind, I am coming of from a brain that has been well rested but equally half awake. 

   If you haven't noticed it yet, I've been posting a lot of my poems and I will continue doing so. Lately, that's all I've been doing. Writing poems and writing poems. Every night. I haven't posted in while because (I actually have a reason) I am faster on my pen and paper and I get lazy to type it all up on the computer. Sounds like a petty reason but it's all you get because it's the truth, babe. 

  I drew a lot during the times I was gone over here. 

Okay, here's a story. 

Basically, my mother put up this magnet board on the wall of my room and it was super blank for weeks! I didn't exactly liked it at first because again, it was just too empty but my feelings sorta overturned or something like that. I stick my art on there and I am actually beginning to like it. After all this time, I've finally grew to understand it's purpose for existence. 

   Here's another story - this one is rather daunting.

I want to talk a bit about school. Believe it or not, I value my studies a lot. But I've came to the realization, with the crushing weight of reality, that in order to say that you "value" something, well, it has to show. Valuing something comes along with immersing amount of effort. I must admit, I do not do that with my education. And it sucks because though I want to value it, I would also have to take into importance that I must persevere and constantly find motivation in doing my schoolwork. For those, who aren't aware, I am homeschooled. I am in grade 9, hopefully turning grade 10 by December of this year. I've asked a few of my churchmates for prayers which is great. So, as a result, I get super convicted whenever I use my time on some other stuff which is very dangerous especially when you start your day slacking off here and there. It's much harder to take a dive into studying.
    Third story is about anime. AHHHHHHHH. That is all - just kidding. I started coming back at it a few days ago. I'm trying to get through Angel Beats. My brother recommended it to me but there so many animes I want to watch but even before I started getting into it I told myself not to watch two at the same time. I sorta disciplined myself not to do so because I'm that type of person who gets confused over literally everything. If you're starting to watch anime, I gladly recommend Clannad. Tomoya's the best. Watch it and weep.
      Fourth and last story is about my sleeping patterns. And let me tell you that it's not doing good. Over the years, I think I've developed severe insomnia that triggers every now and then. It keeps me from getting my sleep even if I very much wanted to. There isn't really a positive connotation about it, AT ALL because it causes me to miss waking up early and fun fact, I am a morning person. Latterly, my body clock has been super messed up. Like it's actually a strange thing  if I know what time it is when I get up. And another thing, is that I tend to oversleep. My body is used to 12 hours worth of sleep. And I bet you know that that isn't healthy.

    I would like to share more about the happenings in my life but I'm pretty sleepy which explains the last bit of my last story. Hahahahhh. See you, homies. Have a good day! 

lunch lady

there are questions 

seeking for disclosure

I'd like you to answer

but I don't know exactly if I could spur

it might even be a bore to you 

but here it goes

I often see you in the corner of my eye 

sitting by the olive tree enjoying your black coffee

you open your mouth to read the newspaper but you're

far so I couldn't really hear you even if I deeply

wanted to

you put it away in a matter of minutes

so I wonder have you ever called it quits? 

later you eat

essentially you look around when you take a bite

of your chicken strips with broccoli that I imagined 

smelled of butter

some people wouldn't bother 

but I wonder have you ever flew a kite? 

you need water

so you signal by breathing multiple times quite heavily

then I presume that you get a flash 

of clairvoyance that you might be late to work and that 

you have to go or you go further than that future

and you write it all down in your brown jacketed 

journal forgetting that you had to leave

but I wonder have you ever felt bereaved? 

grapes

you love grapes

you snack on mixed grapes

you put them on a round silver container 

and pick one at a time 

during this time your eyes give a glow 

I think you really do love grapes 

so I wonder what happened in your greatest escape? 

eighteen || for tristan

when I was six 

after wrestling hours 

in preschool I look for a friend and 

you'd always be there 

you're not the sweet kind but you'd play
puppets with me on the terrace of our

grandparents' house 

you taught me how to cross

the road 

I always thought that

you were some sort of a hero waiting
for its story to be untold

you'd stir up maddening emotions at times 

you have traits I don't like

but I love it when you ride your bike 

you go so fast and 

sometimes even let me go with you
when I ask

there's always a 

deeply affecting and tragic feeling

when I think about you all grown up

I wish I can turn back time

to tell you just
how much I appreciate your strength 

that you'd bend rules so you could show me
how it's like to be on the 

top of the world

maybe halfway

or not even close

you are my original best friend

you've always been so brave

now that you are in pursuit of something

greater and possibly bigger in your life 

please know that I support 

you no matter what
happy 18th

handshakes

every hand shake takes a brief second

some people have special handshakes
beyond balconies and outside memories in the 

world unseen

I find it kind when our thumbs touch and

fingers intertwine

it doesn't feel as awkward anymore

it's not bad after all 

I'm being repetitive, I'm sorry

I suppose it's the reassuring squeeze that

carefully shocks my grip that in the vastness

of the world my hand falls into yours

I like how raw hands can be
sweaty, joyful, unrefined
it feels as if I touched the
surface of the water
then we share a collection of
blabbering, really and it's just so beautiful

there are things privileged and some things so unfair

it wasn't something that was automatic

I paid no heed to the warnings

they speak by then, 

everything became confusing 

I wish I hadn't cried so much that the 

oceans came to be unrecognized 

I bide and began falling

down....

.....down.. 

down...

I was in this place long ago

but it ain't my home

In my formative years

in all my miasmas of extreme despair was

an open window 

I gaze and I glance at the world 

I've never explored before 

I was a giant but still felt small

I see people walk down the street 

couple of people sit on a curb with faces 

I have seen before 

I wonder 

I feel

you know what I feel?

empathy

four different stories in 

one single story there 

all pivotal but at the same time 

completely not themselves 

before i go upstairs

you can still see the glow 

of the kitchen light on the third stair

from the top

when I can't keep my eyes closed 

and fall on the warm comfort of my bed 

I sit on the watching stair

I listen to the soft

blended voices, too soft that

I hear my own breathing

I press my forehead against

the banisters and I see the far end 

of the fireplace 

I'll usually hear a song being

sang then I'll laugh quietly when partway

the words get messed up

I guess you'd have to be there

to make the humor alive

it's really funny

I'll stay for another while 

until I'm finally

tired

sea legs

I am the captain of this boat

I steer when the waves are subtle 

and when the storms and the winds

try to bang it in another direction

when I cannot see what's going on

under my nose

I look up my sky

ours sometimes

and stands hopeful in the night

I suppose in dark nights

with nothing to portray

what really makes sense 

I find myself behind quivering

mass of emotions 

lying awake

the little waves rushes 

into bigger notions and collapses

at the touch of my hand 

oh what it may whisper to my heart

that unfolds the scars under my sleeves

In Harmony with Myself

Hello Friends.

Right now, I want to release some thoughts about beauty. After a flourishing epiphany about myself, I hope you enjoy my musings.

Beauty is everywhere. Although, growing up I didn’t really put emphasis on “girlying” myself. I was surrounded by guys in my family & my personality is nearly the same as theirs. I only really cared about how I look in like 7^th grade to be completely honest. My mom was always the one who fix my clothes for me when I was a young girl. But the thing is that I didn’t base my worth on how I look but I hung out with people who did and these certain people led my insecurities to grow. I held my value over being insightful rather than setting my standards on being a popular act in school because that’s just how I rolled and how I was taught. In terms of my insecurities it smashed my principles to dust & I forgot what beauty really was. I wasn’t really bullied but I was emotionally dry in a sense that I actually thought about prioritizing being beautiful over things that make one “beautiful”. So in a nutshell, I was squished in between two views. I always just kind of felt like I was an ugly person and I just had troubles with my appearance constantly. Overall, I didn’t know what or where or how I’m supposed to act because my mind was just utterly disheveled. I brooded over my girlfriends which also kind of had the same situation that I was stuck in. But nevertheless I still hung out with them even if I didn’t always feel “at home”. On that note, my self-doubt grew. I would lie if I say I didn’t want to be admired or prominent. I mean that’s a good goal but I wanted to be looked at because of how I looked not because of my noteworthy behavior that I can possibly exhibit. It was a dense mindset that instigated lots of objections but I took it anyways.

I was generally very unhappy in that state.

 I began to read articles about life and particular people who venture paths that they genuinely enjoy. My faculties were delighted to a level that it made me think about what I would want to accomplish in life. Likewise, I took leaps from taking out handful of negative thoughts that I used to indulge in distinctively those that trigger my insecurities a whole lot. And that moment, I just instantly felt more of myself because I didn’t have to wrestle with all of these layers that hid my true self in a place so far off and deep. It was strange but it was like the first I felt beauty in a raw and crude way. And it was a very good feeling.

My insecurities still come crashing down on me but I know how to handle it properly now. Before I used to feel terrible and cover it up with random makeshift thoughts but only for the time being so it always ends up really badly & I just try to shove it out. But now, I learn to embrace it. One of my goals is to get in touch with my insecurities which may sound odd but the thing is that I must understand it in order for me to respond in the right way so when it comes I wouldn’t feel as scared.

I’m not a rare case. I now a lot of people who went or are going through the same thing as I did. And if there is something I could impart is that never let anything hinder you from believing that you are beautiful.

Appearance is the least of beauty. Pursue other things. Things that’ll encourage you to become a strong individual. Do not base yourself on girls in magazines or on what people think is beautiful. Beauty is to be discovered. Go find it.

regularity

So I chewed a few minty gums & it felt super fresh as I breathed in air (I often like that feeling).  One fact about me is that I like thinking and bursting bubbles (pun intended). So I concluded with an amalgamation of words & creative stuff!

Just kidding! My brain is literally FFFRIED at the moment!
I can't even remember the last time I was energetic guys. I sleep with my eyes open daily now...yikes.
However, I did make a lot of progress with my studies, thus far & I've been constantly writing ideas on my handy orange notebook. I appreciate the standing ovation thank you very much heh.
So instead of squeezing my brain even more, I'll just take few things out of my mind to enable it to make space for new shred of classic thoughts (I think this will be a regular thing now in my blog. I enjoy writing this kind of sort of comprised collection about the most random things)....

I've been searching about neglected dogs and other animals on shelter and it's heart-wrenching, people. I also have no clue whether or not there is a reason why I've been really enjoying writing on paper. I'm most certainly much faster on computers before, inspiration would just blaze on forth! But now, I am quicker on whatever surface I can write on which is a good thing for me. I'm tremendously impressed! I find solace on photographing small sized things & filming clips. I watched so much videos of filmmakers that are ETERRNALLY inspiring!

This is it for now. Not much, just a lil' update for y'all!

Have the best ddddaaaayyyy!

a gist of what has been going around my mind

Currently, inspiration isn't showing itself.

I guess it's just so good at ignoring me?

Well, perhaps, I hope it changes its mind soon.

I recently found my missing notebook & I wished to write on it. I had it on the table & my right hand was holding up my favorite ball point pen but it just won't touch the paper! And so my misery began. My brain is active 24/7 nowadays. Even when I'm asleep, I get dreams about cats, record stores, and back to the future. I ain't complaining but I really want to put them all down so my mind can breathe a little. I want to write about more creative stories but nothing is coming out of me. I guess the world's not ready for whatever my brain has to offer lmao.

This upcoming days & week, I am committing myself to my studies. Hey, being homeschooled is not a joke.  There are hard difficult areas to balance out the happy aka physics & the like.  All the hopes my brain lobes won't set themselves on fire.
To freshen me up, I constantly wash my face with facial cleanser & if my mood is feeling it, I exfoliate. It's procrastination, if I do say so myself!
During my breaks, I try to stay away from social media. I've had enough of those. So I'm laying low- literally. I take naps. Or quite usually, I read.

Let's get into my brain more.

AT THE VERY BACK OF MY MIND,
I'm really thinking about college courses. They fascinate in a high level & also, I still have no clue what to take, the truth is spilled!
Is it normal? Because whenever a child is asked about what he wants to be when he grows up, he'll answer right away. I've been there!
I always tell myself that a 5 year old me can help so, let's call it out.

Before, I really wanted to be a kindergarten teacher. Besides, their excellent choice of fashion, I've always thought of them as collectively understanding set of people who has lots of patience. What a dream. Plus, they get so many fan mails from their students. A normal person's longings fulfilled am I right?!

I wanted to be a business person too. It was fun to think about while it lasted. Having meeting about sales in conference room 457 was cool back then and all that. I praised my assistant quite often too which, made her like me so much as a boss.

For a few months, I also wanted to be a designer. Sketching away my ideas for a perfect wedding dress. But then, I found out that my cooperation with style is more of just like taking a shower and trying to pair items like black skinny jeans, patterned shirt, a hoodie, and a pair of flats. Not entirely saying I don't have style. Just that I don't think I'd do well in that kind of job where it really requires you to be stylish.

Let's examine my freshly updated mind to what my child self just wrote down

NOT AT ALL BAD OPTIONS,
though I'm still am undecided. It can't be that bad, I hope as I convince my whole entire self.
What I really know for sure is that I just want a simple life and not an emergency based one. I don't want to be working machine, high stress team heavy person. I have no interest in that, no sir!
My perception in college course hunting has changed a lot, I suppose. Though, those aren't bad career paths, I just don't see myself in that position. Maybe a kindergarten teacher but not quite completely.

I want to take up something that I know I'm really going to be passionate about and one day be someone I know I really wanted to be.

I  have to ponder about that more. Please do pray that my brain'll stop 180ing and changing directions and produce something that will constantly be my motivation in life.

I hope you have the most beautiful day of your life <3

hitting home,

hey hey hello, me again.

after a while, it has come to my senses, that maybe it is the time to write what has been going on down and publish yet another post in this magical place wherein, I stuff my uninhibited thoughts (I have been terrible at it, I sincerely apologize).

joy- at least for my soul & I.

the conclusion or I much prefer to be called "new end" of yet another year has passed & I cannot express in words how exceedingly gratifying it is to get to the finish line of 2015. I have come across a lot of lessons and realizations that truly spoke spectacularly in me. the duration of the past year felt as if it was only a small collection of minutes. time is really flying fast these days!

I went through exhausting internal battles that honestly, we can all resonate unto. I've had bad days that balance out amazing good days wherein I was at my freest self at the pinnacle of my turned and tumbled mountains. 

A lot happened in 2015 guys. Most of those happened in my wired inner self; I realized that I was hypersensitive about heaps of things like the way I respond badly to my daily schedule not being followed, doing house chores, writing and the like. 
In terms of relationships, I grew closer to my family and I like to keep on being open to them because I was used to always be a closed door. I handled twelve six year olds during sports camp everyday for two weeks! I learned to understand handball & how it was to be a child again. 
I made lots of art which I hardly ever do. I thought of different reasons to get out of bed. I watched Star Wars: The Force Awakens in 3D! (Kylo Ren, I want you to know that I cried over you). I was really active in my ministry in church & I can't ask for any other set of friends. 

2016 went blazing right ahead & the usual circle of emotions that I get every start of the year came crashing on me. on account of my carried memories from the previous beginning of the year, my constant mantra was to keep my head up high but that slowly got old in my days it was a bit of a fallen farmhouse towards the next months; it died on me. besides, I never really appropriated much on the purpose of that said mantra of mine that repeating it to myself didn't even powerfully reached my inner self. it served as a good reminder but it didn't drive me the way I thought it would.

so in a nutshell,  life is crazy. I got so many memories, at the moment, that I am carrying in me from 2015. THANK YOU FOR THE MEMORIES. 

I feel greatgreatgreat!

January, January, oh sweet January. I absolutely adore the freshness of it, I can tell you that much. it is like taking a swim under a beautiful weather! delightful!
I am very excited to pursue more things this year, write more, laugh more more more. 

I still believe in mantras though my last one didn't work. so my mantra this year is to think of everyday as a magnificent one, no matter what is going on; never get tired of what is essential and reasons to live- a perfect wave or small changes. Whatever it is. Keep the best moments close to me! 

Cheers!