02. Morning-light

Greetings! 

Here to report the story has been developing significantly…. dire. I haven’t really gotten to writing any for the narrative. But I am convinced of the overall theme. I’ve written an outline, but so far, not much of a linear storyline or depth in the plot (if there’s even a plot at all, haha!). I do have two characters who are friends and I tend to keep why they are until later. Keeping the mystery mysterious. I’ll let you know once I get around and create some sort of a logical idea behind their fellow feeling. I have a potential name for the main character. Not sure if I should know that already very early in the process, but hEhe! No near eureka occasions, but hopeful for one, about the magical element of this story. I’ll just carry on until it buds out. I’ll make sure I’ll be at the right place when it does. 

My week has been developing significantly…. good. Better than this attempt for a short story. Consistently and intentionally, I’ve been waking up at 5am (yeah-huh!)  and I proceed to doing my quiet time; learning a lot about ministry and moving on from rejections. Emotionally, it’s a lot of contemplating on and on whether I am really where I am supposed to be and doing what I should be doing. Feels a lot like breathing in and out except it’s my whole lungs that I dig for, pull out of, and push back in my body to try and understand why it still possesses this borrowed breath. It’s not confusion on my purpose, but just how am I to fulfill it; through which avenue? Am I recognized as one who is faithful? Am I mirroring Christlikeness? What is the result of my involvement? Are my lungs missing substantial air? I remember that episode from A:TLA wherein Sokka felt useless and left out by the rest of the gang being the only one who couldn’t bend. What he went through with his newfound swordmaster and how afterall, he proved to be a great warrior because of his creativity and agility was a real process. He got there because he was focused and he desired to fight for the common good. Aang, Katara, and Toph even started to miss his jokes and the color only he could serve during the time when he was training. It wasn’t the same without him. I look at myself and I wonder, what record am I willing to leave in the hearts of people? Am I focused enough? I want to be all in and exhausted, but still feel satisfied knowing that my hands are meeting their role alongside the rest of the body and that somehow, I am relieving the work of others be it that I am able to support them as they do to me. 

“Despite this lockdown, God’s mission for us to make disciples remains unchanged.” I’ve been hearing this week after week during this ecq. Each time I am encouraged to not give up on reaching out to people. I share it with whoever is willing and open. I shake the dust off my shoes when they close their doors on my face. We are moving on the next. The truth is the harvest is plenty. I don’t have to get stuck on one person who leaves me on “seen” most times (((huhuhu))). Maybe that’s the only part I get to play in that person’s journey. I pray that the seed I planted would one day grow into a tree. It’s God who causes the growth therefore, I trust that He will never stop working on that person whose faith has been battered and scarred many times over. So to you, in case you’re reading this, I hope to see you one day running the race marked out for you. God is waiting to welcome you back home. Don’t wait or hesitate until the last moment of your life to get right with Him. Dive in. Experience the joy that no sickness, trial, or even death can ever rob from you. It’s for you. He is for you. 

I watched Ang Huling El Bimbo The Musical about 5 times during its 48-hour (only!!!) streaming. At dawn, morning, afternoon, mid-afternoon, and at night. Many tears were shed in the in-betweens. When I was younger, we’d drive around and live along with OPM bands and artists playing in the background. Through the influence of my parents, our CDs (for all you 6-year olds, you may not know what those are) would have music (and films and series like Voltes V) produced years before we even took our first breath of life. I’m one to love and appreciate anything that could take me back to those wonder years. Nostalgia, no matter how bittersweet, is something I’ll always value when it comes around and presents itself through events, things, conversations, and in this case, a musical that stages and is set around the music of the genius and iconic rock-band, Eraserheads. What a classic! 

A 3-hour show. Where might this take me? The story follows two timelines around 4 friends: Hector, Emman, Anthony, and Joy. Its opening already had me questioning and I was just as confused as the characters trying to understand what mysterious life event brought them together again after 20 long years. By then, I realized that this would be a lot heavier than what they promote in the trailers. A few minutes into it, I am transplanted to a flashback filled with singing, dancing, and hope. Immediately, as the guys sang Minsan, my mind couldn’t help but but continue with the questions. What changed? I pondered. 

One of my favorite scenes was when their hands were reaching out. “Lahat ng chances. Lahat ng possibilities. Ayan na oh at ang lapit na oh! Abutin mo lang!”. They swore not to forget that moment. I was so moved by the way they stitched the songs and how the story built their seemingly unshakable friendship. And Joy! She brought such energy and dynamic that is just remarkable. I enjoyed both the louder dialogues  and the more nuanced and subtle lines; AJ’s wit and Emman’s accent! Cha Dely scenes and the friendship medley (the transition from Huwag kang Matakot to Sembreak was amazing and I cried when Joy sang Wishing Wells, for some reason. It really showed a deep sense of longing; could never listen to that song the same way.) are some of my most loved parts. Act I was soon over and now we enter the part when everything is a reason to cry about. The turn of events will really break your heart and make you mad no matter what angle you view it. Surely! That graduation scene truly wrecked me as it depicted their attempt to conceal pain. Act II showed trauma, drifting apart, hopelessness, broken promises, and the consequences of the decisions we make in life moving past generations. They all lived in darkness. Joy was deprived from really living her life because she was poor. She had no choice but to live “kahit na patapon,” around sadistic opportunists like Banlaoi. Hector, Emman, and Anthony had the capacity to achieve what they wanted in life and they did.  But I couldn’t imagine how heavy it was to wake up each day carrying so much guilt and fear. It really manifested no matter how hard they hid it. That one last Alapaap/Overdrive scene fulfilled my hope to see them one last time. So innocent and untainted. But it was more than that because this time, Ligaya was there with both her hands stretched out. For her and for Joy who never really experienced any of her dreams happen. It ended realistically. It was emotional and ultimately, eye-opening. In conclusion, I appreciate that it got many people angry, how it allowed us to feel such a deep level of regret, and talked about varied issues that are prevalent today. Let’s all fight for the many Joys in our society. Look out for one another, especially your friends before it’s too late. Sama-sama hanggang sa dulo ng mundo. Kudos to all who worked to put up this show - a masterpiece indeed. Mabuhay ang mga alagad ng sining! Mabuhay ang teatrong Pilipino! 

School might return online soon. Prayerfully in August. I’m quite sad that our journalism club will cease to operate. We won’t be able to do our welcoming soiree with our newspaper hats. But I’ll still push our presence online. It’s the only way to keep the students’ voice alive in our empty campus. Maybe through this we’ll be able to reach out to even more students beyond what we imagined. I am excited to navigate through our initial plans, adjust and watch it flourish even through this crisis. I prefer being at home, to be honest. But I’m not confident with my school’s system that really thrives with their extra-curricular activities. Not sure how they will facilitate its students now. I can already foresee piles and piles of schoolwork ahead of me. But no matter, I will do my best to comply. Can’t wait to be exhausted to death, STI. 

01. about a week ago

Okay, today marks the first day of me writing a short story. First time writing something like this, too. I’m more comfortable with poems; prose poems. For years, that’s all I ever did. But I always had short stories at the back of my mind. Furthermore, I made a goal for myself about a year ago, that the moment I reach college, one of my side projects would be to write a novel. I guess, we can start small. 

I don’t have any ideas in mind so, let’s see where this takes us -- hopefully somewhere magical. I have no storyline, no characters… no nothing. I bet this is going to be bad though, but that won’t bother me. I’m only really aiming for magical. What this journey holds for me is unknowable. I know that being here says something. I could be over there. I’m downright just standing by this statement: there are things I’ll never learn otherwise. So imma stay. Expectantly. 

As I wait for an idea to arrive, I’d like to talk to you about what is going on right now. I am sitting on my mother’s spinning chair, typing on my father’s laptop collecting dust on my fingertips, and speaking to a young lady named Erica. Trying my best to form a new friendship that is founded on grace and exceptional conversations about the goodness of our amazing Father! I foresee a solid sisterhood. More on that later. 

We are under enhanced community quarantine (ecq) because of this phenomenal COVID-19. I am a complete loner. I love that I’m at home and that the world is here to join me in this. Indoor Season 2020! It’s interesting to experience this unique time as well as seeing how everybody else is responding. However amazing it is for me that God is reuniting our family and lining up truths to absorb, it is very challenging still to build my day up properly in a sense that I could really maximize it. That has always been my struggle in my life. A point of contention that has always rendered me rootless. I am constantly compromising and stepping out of the line of the boundaries that I place. Man, I thought I’m strong. But I’m really not. I could break and bend so easily like a pretzel. Except I’m not flexible so now my back hurts. Anyway. How do I abandon letting the day go on and drag me m.o.? Well, folks, I made a schedule today. What’s more hilarious is that I’m committing to start my day as early as 5 am. 

Yesterday, we met with one of our church mentors through a zoom call (it’s the normal way of communicating nowadays). I came in thrilled with open hands. In front of me was a window. The orange 4 pm slowly setting sun that melted into the 7 pm night sky hit my skin. If you can’t tell whether or not I learned anything from a 3-hour call… I can because I truly did. So, this is me peeling the peel that covers my heart. For a while, I felt like I’ve been living under such a heavy cloud. My soul was sick; thirsty and hungry. I’ve been living off of a piece of encouragement from a devotion I had months ago when I could literally reach my hands out and receive more. So what’s keeping me stagnant? Complacency. Absolute apathy upon the path I should be taking in order for me to gratify my carnal self. I showily carve my bones to make me believe that I’m doing good, but in all honesty, I am not. I’ve been here before; it’s also not the first time I acknowledged that. I guess I’ve allowed myself too much and I sit here thirsty for even a drop of bravery and perseverance because I know how hard it is to suddenly not be the way that I used to be. I suppose the easier way of thinking about it is the reality that I can fully accede with the person I am designed to be. But folks, we are still far from arriving! For now, I’d be more grateful when I am being chiseled and pruned. That’s so much harder to do than say, I agree. To help myself, why don’t we compose a list of practical ways I can apply on a daily basis throughout this extended quarantine? Let us shall. 

~Julia’s List~

1. Waking up at 5 am - this is obviously easier said than done. But this has always been one of my biggest goals of all time! In order for me to achieve this, I guess I just have to… do it. I try to convince people that I am a morning person, but the arguments I receive from their end are too strong. I must show them that I, indeed, am. Words are cheap when it comes to resolutions. 
2. Taking care of friendships - genuinely caring for other people is personally very exhausting. I understand that we are all built to be relational somehow, but I truly dread making the first approach. I could remain quiet and still enjoy silence but... life ain’t meant to be lived for ourselves and only to fulfill our fleeting self-centered agendas. That’s just a sad epic nobody wants to ever read about. Recently, I’ve been trying to reach out to friends I haven’t talked to for long years. I want to reconnect with them because now I am beginning to understand the reason why God allowed us to meet during the time we did -- our glorious elementary days. Even though we’ve been tugged into different directions and we’ve grown to be completely new people, we’re all trying to maneuver into this age: Our Twenties! No matter how far we are from each other, I am quite eager to carve out a new sense of friendship; nothing like the ones we had when we were kids, but as young adults dealing with our circumstances this time around. With this in mind, I will try to forge a deeper connection with those around me now. Usually, what’s really stopping me from doing so, is my inability to engage. I’m just not an engaging person, I suppose. But all it takes is to listen sometimes. That goes a long way in camaraderie. 

3. Keep a prayer list - I’ve always been insecure about my prayers. I take it to be a difficult task. I often wonder if my prayers get to heaven cause I feel like they would just bounce off the ceiling and back at me. I realized through the years that praying without ceasing actually means involving God in everything. Integrating prayer in my daily routine has allowed me to do just that. I get to lift up my concerns to Him and listen well; His gentle whisper of direction and answers. I wait and watch what He does. 
4. Stay away at a safe distance from social media - I’ve meant to do this long before another decade emerged. I’d scroll until I reach the bottom of my Facebook timeline even if most of the posts are nonsensical. So, if you’re my friend there, I see you. And it’s not me being dramatic, but I am too caught up in it; addicted. Not really sure how to go on about this. In my mind, I just want to unknot myself from it as much as I can. If I can deactivate I would… but that just wouldn’t be strategic right now. I wouldn’t be able to do my #2! It’s given me that avenue to stay connected. That sounds like a lame excuse. I’ll do my best, don’t worry. I’ll use airplane mode at 10 pm, turn my notifications off, go social only at 11 am, won’t bring my phone in the bathroom, and just keep it from taking over my entire life. 
5. Think right - whatever goes on Up There flows through my heart and manifests through my actions. I have taken this discipline for granted. Naturally, when negative thoughts cross my mind, I’d just brush it off and not process how it even got there in the first place. If you’ve been spending a long time with what’s true and noble and right and pure, that every border is familiar, you won’t get knocked over by lies; thoughts that stitch themselves appealing making you believe they’re all true. Seamless. It must be real, you thought. I’m pulling close to reminding myself that my thought life is one that needs protection. Just because everybody in the queue lines up for it, doesn’t make it correct. People can be sincere and sincerely wrong. What reaches my mind can just be thought for now, but it has the capacity to crawl through my very being and corrupt my entire system. What once was just a thought is now my nature; my way of life. To combat this, I must then keep myself active in filling up my mind with thoughts of good repute, always show thanks, and think best of others. 

I’m going to continue listing things down. For now, I’m leaving you with this. I’ll return after a while and keep you updated with how the story is coming along or if it even worked out. I’m hopeful. I’m quite hopeful. Am I hopeful enough? 

heartsick

Fran Pulido

I went down for a bit

most nights I am tempted to invest in
the desires of the fickle flesh
although my old self is dead
its influence still runs in my bones
my skin is illuminated
by the yellow refrigerator light — a reminder
that light will meet me in starless wild places
as it always has
but I fail to follow its voice for the enemy's
cadence is so enticing; it provides what I want
not what I need though, even though
I beg for efflorescence
I am shoved back with nothing in my tainted hands
but shame & regrets
they are my old friends
but they never knew me
eating me up as I eat all that is contrary
to who I was called to be
I am empty, suddenly heartsick
airborn worms that look non violent
sing to me the songs from when I was eleven
I cover my eyes with my hands
You remove them along with the disgusting thin film
formed above my eyelids
the skyward tale is not that complicated
but it is one bridge of clay shaped and reshaped
considering where you have been
and the choices you made
this process of pruning is pain
but I prayed for this didn't I?
my soul travels to a stream of water panting
my veins are mapped and known
let me dive right into beginnings that
I walked upon but never seen the ending
tell me how to go home
I want to return; cater the one thing I really need
to my very being

triad

I.

even in the midst of people passing by 

it would rather stay and revisit a hidden trauma 

to ponder, a lot, thinking, "may this be the last 

you'll ever see me." 

I picked up the pieces I believed were mine 

stitched up under one of my hands, carefully structured, 

are rusted musical instruments playing for free 

engineered to awaken something in everybody 

but not one wounded would turn up even during 

the weekends

I suppose this was not as loud just yet 

I never had anybody who'd choose to be a moth 

riding on the back of a doe with me 

and stare only, single-mindedly, at the stars 

that wasn't made for us

sit and finish the murky lake's highly anticipated 

dramatic work for the stage 

there's nothing grand about it 

but it changes my anatomy with its command of 

language and grace  

carrying me fervently, violently, gently 

until I couldn't recognize the difference

II.

twenty years later, that brings us to now 

making friends as an adult and the only thing 

that could calm me is the sound of the printer, printing
pictures that my eyes are too small to truly parse 

back in the nineties where it's always morning, 

even in the afternoon, you were my kid wonder 

I still have your speeches 

memorialized monologues about time machines 

and leaving lasting legacies; I put my head up 

surmising something must be right cause I now know
what is wrong 

I can tell it apart and painstakingly refine it until it
can seamlessly be honorable and legitimate 

indeed it is wrong 

because the truth is simplistic and unembellished 

I'm fumbling to pull together fragments of what used 

to be what kept me afloat, maybe 

it's time to give it up 

times are changing and so are we 

III. 

I gravitate to a wall, where I go to be seen 

or even talk, I forge a new normal (better to be 

pursued during New Year's Eve or when you're quarantined) 

behind closed doors, it is You and my longing heart 

a world that is between boundless oceans and matters-of-fact

in my reckoning, I am exceedingly glad

the treasure that I found is beyond the reach of decay 

redeemed from the traditions of this perverse 

generation and the last; a better word was spoken 

that I must now play the noblest part; join the remnant

now is the time

this is the beginning stemming from the Cause that 

created my restored lungs to grow in the uphill climb

that was inquired for earnestly from before;

their services aren't meant 

for themselves - they were intended for me 

a sobering truth that holds my hope and future 

I am coming home and I will bring

as many as I can back to Galilee

same breath

time is quickly passing and persisting through 

the timeless thoughts that my brain produces

but it seems 

my fingers are too tired to type them 

I don't know what I want to convey here 

the words I have are but memories that 

can't properly take shape

they are wondering if ever I have them written 

behind the back of my hand 

so when I'm lost, I could return 

cause you know 

I love returning 

suddenly the night had found its voice 

the hot air is compressed in my lungs 

and it is burning in my lower back, too 

what have I been doing? 

I am not down to sleep at 3am again 

but here I am 

and I only want to be who I am 

what am I saying? 

maybe I should just close my eyes 

and feel the safety of falling 

everything, all this, so much 

under the same breath 

I left the nightlight on 

I hope I find what I am looking for 

as I grow

at the crack of dawn

I hear the bird's song above me 

the morning light gently appears

my skin turns darker than usual 

I look at the back of my hand memorizing

the words I said in the conversation 

I just had with a mirror facing towards

the box of sentimental things I hide under my bed 

my legs have garnered enough strength to 

walk a mile back and see the bigger picture 

I hope winter ends

and takes my fears as well 

kind of like how the navy blue sky 

folds back in the outer space and 

meets the brighter blue sky that envelopes 

the mornings each time your name comes around

leaving doesn't always mean changing 

so when I left I left with this in mind 

that if ever I come back I have grown and read

as many books as I could ever and loved so much 

two decades it took 

how different are your 6PM family dinners from

the ones that you took when you were eleven? 

I still don't know me and you 

and I still love dancing in the shadows of 

a mountain that with one word 

could move further and teach me lessons about

growing pains and amazing grace 

from now on

I will carry the word 'gather'

make it my active pursuit to collect myself 

no matter how hard a day could get and have my eyes

pull something out of wonder 

Thought Life

I sit and I stare

my ears open only for the distant sounds of 

strings that move within the confines of 

a jar 

a jar that we adore

with all its stories, songs, and art 

that unknowingly cleansed every affected bone that hid 

deep into flashes of comparison

to some, it seemed dull, unconventional

no matter, it was sure and rooted on the Source

of all beauty and goodness - the wonder that lands on the eyes; 

the reward for the heart that stood its ground 

not many understand it 

the apparent decision of most people 

may deny you the opportunity to stay still;

to fill up on what is true and noble and pure 

but I beg of you

stay 

remain

abide 

fear has taught many lessons 

but courage could teach more 

even when it meant going against the grain 

sailing a river never crossed 

on a warm Tuesday when I went to quench my longing

for a bit of reflection, there you were 

the hand that held my arm 

a bright memory

a familiar memory 

I shake my head and I walk away 

I don't dare to listen to the voice that led me astray 

you left such a taste that gives me chills 

twenty-six blinks it took me

to refocus and recall that 

I must begin again at nineteen 

At Midnight, After Midnight

“Do I have anything good to contribute to where I  am planted?” I asked myself. 

In my most formative years, there has always been a desire within me that gallantly
attempts to reach some parts of the world. I wanted to  make a difference. Maybe not as big
of an impact that will spark a revolution, but an impact it will be. I wanted a change in many
different aspects of society, my home life, my inner self. Many people do not like change. It
seems stifling; too uncomfortable. They’d rather live in the confines of what they are used to
rather than testing the bounds of what’s possible and going beyond them. I was a shy kid. I
was always too afraid. I was trapped in my box of anxiety, fear, pride. My midnights were
filled with discouragement, with hopelessness, with longings.

Again, I ask, “Do I have anything, any good, that I could possibly contribute to
where I am planted?” We are all the same under the surface; searching for purpose and yet
so petrified of failure. In my nineteen years of life, I’ve learned that failure doesn’t have to
have the last word. It is what builds you up. The problem with failure is perspective. The
tragedy is not being able to envisage a new path. But can’t you see it? Failures powerfully
declare that you can start again. This time to actually do something that mattered. A new
path. A new path that you must see; where you should be. 
I’ve had my bouts of anxieties and insecurities. When I lose sight, I am then choked
by the world and it is learning to break away from words that used to torment me that allows
me to breathe again. Choosing change, walking away when you know it isn’t right,
counterfeiting the patterns of this sick world is no foolery. It is wise. Yes, unconventional,
at times, but the things that you get out of it are what get you through the tough times, and
the other times. You grow. And that’s what makes it worth it. Nothing we do where the only
reason we do it is for temporal happiness is ever worth it. You learn not to be guided by
circumstances or what the majority of people choose to do but by what purpose compelled.
Even when you’re the only one there. You arrive at a place where you lose judgment, begin
to discern and stand in truth. 
I am not here to perform a routine function. I am here to live out an extraordinary
one that only I can, the way that I am able to. Not by my own strength and not for my glory.
It’s just so much easier when we realize that life is not about us. You stop to care about what
other people think of you. It is no longer about you and me. We get to be part of something
great. You and I aren’t just called, we become chosen. Goodness unites those who heed its
call. Maybe one day I’d see you running the same race. I’d watch you and cheer you on for
your desires are earnest and love is real. 
Here’s a word of hope: though you may be in your darkest moments, the most
difficult circumstance that you don’t even know where to go anymore, something’s certain
after midnight. The dawn appears and a new day begins. So, don’t be afraid to press on.
Make a difference with the little that you have. That’s much harder than it sounds, and
sometimes in the end, so much easier than what you imagine.

Fly high. 

afternoon memories

I close my eyes
as I dwell on the first level of an old,
familiar bunk bed where it seems like
the world ceased to change.

words begin to form
and get stuck in my chest eating away
the fleshly patterns of perspective. tonight we are close
to touching the sheer fabric; the fulcrum of holding
on to each breath for as long as I can.

the wind is silent
carrying the common things that used to be
what defined my personality. every written journal entry memorializing
that innocent nine year old me chasing, floating, laughing
away. what could be more of a nostalgia that returning
to the borrowed days?

my eyes never want to open again.
I tend to hope more than I expect
as mystical as the clouds
as cruel as distance
gentle and quiet and always sure
it's getting so old

sa wakas

pitong pu't isang beses ako titingin
sa buwan na nakabitin
at nag aabang
hanggang sa dumating ang mga alitaptap
palilibutan ang kapaligiran
at magdadala ng rason
kung bakit ako maniniwala ulit
dalawang mata ang aking bubuksan
babangon dahil matagal na akong naiinip;
nag-aalinlangan; nauubusan ng lakas

ang karagatan ang aking lunduyan
nais kong magbabad at maranasan
ang buhay na walang katapusan
muling masulyapan ang aking kabataan
walang ahunan
pwede bang dito nalang muna ako?
pwede bang balikan ang datihang reyalidad?

parang apoy sa kandila
madaling dumating at ganun din kabilis lumipas
mapapansin na ang tanging mananatili
ay ang mga gunita ng iyong mga
pinagdaanan
na tangan-tangan ng pangatlong pagtiklop ng
inaasahan mong alon

contemplating you

lonely
that's where you'd find me
drenched and wrapped around
the other side
of the universe reflective
ring of light
when the world is crumbling around me
something really saved me
i know it did save me
from a life that is tasteless
people
they change when they walk away
a comical yet painful thing
how friendships begin
and how they see it fit to leave you
one day
a fragment willing to stay, sunless
in a mason jar and forever
there it will be
choosing to love nowhere but from a distance

weird juice, ramen & a party platter

WEIRD JUICE; here I am again with thoughts rolling in about vulnerability. Somehow the idea of it still is strange stranger danger. I can't put it into words to state the obvious. I picture an attractive-looking, fizzling, tall glass of juice. It's replenishing when you take it in because it brings forth honesty that allows me to process things within with careful hands. This leads to gladness. Maybe sometimes pain & sorrow. But even then, there is a sense of truth that won't get entangled by junk. It remains true that pulls harder than the earth's magnetic field. I don't know if that's scientifically correct. Probably not. Point is, I'm deeply thirsty and it can only be quenched by a deep pool of weird juice. I dread it, this juice. I think now, I might know why.
I've been on this forever train for so long! I've looked out the frosted window not realizing that I'm on a journey. It's frustrating when I'm not favored with the answers. So, I create my own. I spill the juice and my real feelings get defaced by confusion; the glory of the image that I mirror fades. My face then is veiled; blocked with a ten-foot wall of pretense. The spillage leaves a mark on the seat. There are two ways in this: One, the stain remains and rots every part of myself that I once knew, the Other is one that says, "I'll let it go to the cleaner who can actually do something about it." I've epitomized both but choosing the latter continues the progress.
Vulnerability scares me because I always feel like my thoughts come in stronger, knock me down harder and I wouldn't know how to revive my tired yellow heart. But the frosted window reminds me that I only see a portion and the fading glory maybe repaired within me when I focus on taking the next step forward. Drinking the juice puts me in a place of brokenness; a state of knowing that I am fully known yet fully loved and in this same place...

...blooms transformation in grace.

RAMEN; lasting satisfaction takes so long to arrive in this train station where I've been living for 19 years. So, many resolve with something less - cup noodles.
When "relationships" becomes the topic of conversation left & right, everybody, most especially the youth, moves closer enthusiastically. They sit in a circle and exchange stories proving to be better than the other. They laugh, tease, and maybe even cry because of a love that was awakened at the wrong time. As always, I can only speak out of my own experience. I don't talk about romantic relationships all the time though, it seems to be a favorite. Not only for my own protection as I guard my heart but for others', too. I am assuming responsibility for whatever the other person takes out of my sharing.
I've seen hearts fall in love and eventually fall out of it. Though it is common knowledge that eating cup noodles is unhealthy, people still seem to like it. CUP NOODLES & I AGAINST ALL ODDS. It doesn't become healthy no matter how hard you fight it. Why do we draw away from the Best things because of impatience? Is instant gratification worth it in exchange for something that lasts? DO I really think something right can spring out of the wrong ground?
I have learned to love the truth because it matters. Yes, it matters. When I tasted the goodness of Ramen there was no point of choosing anything less. This goodness is the standard. Waiting is never easy. But most of the time what makes it extra hard, causing you & I to give up, is when we become attached with a certain thing/person that we expect to be given to us even though they aren't meant to be ours. So, our hearts chant this, "if it's meant to be then it will be." Wow, super empowering in our waiting season but when we have something specific in mind then it loses its power. That phrase declares trust in the unknown. Thus, you mustn't strive and force things to happen. Please, let it be. If you want Ramen, you have to wait.
Maturity is the point of understanding that even if you don't receive the promised Ramen,

you won't consume the cheap substitute.

& A PARTY PLATTER; an example is what it takes to lead others to be one as well. There's this sense of confidence knowing that I wasn't redeemed by corruptible things. The high call of being done with pride and selfishness makes sense in the light of the cost. I shall not live as if I were garbage; seeming to have an aim but is in fact aimless. Everything I learn in private is senseless if not exercised or shared. Fervently this potential screams obligation and ability to be sincere. The more I behold the beauty of unity and setting aside self-service, the more I am compelled to fight for it.
The sun sets and melts through the shadows of the night, I am left with my anxious heart. I deal with loneliness as I realize that the path of harmony is the path less taken. Sometimes I desire the other direction just so I can still have a group of friends to call and they'd surprise me with these gold balloons for my birthday and we'll gossip about old high school batchmates. It saddens me how I don't influence them to stand in love. Rebuke gets stuck in my throat creating nasty lumps. I just don't want to be the cause of discord so, I remain in silence. As long as I don't say anything. Just nod and laugh with them. I'm a coward.
Preserving unity must involve telling the truth to people. I offer a chicken wing platter; good for 12. And with this opportunity to connect and forge real relationships, I can set seeds of incorruptible unity upon hearts. Watch it grow together with my old oak tree. Often when I meet with the ladies I look after, I'm discouraged when only one comes along. I wonder and ponder and wonder some more about how the others are doing. Bu through great struggles, my commitment shall endure not looking back but ahead. I would rather suffer for doing right because I have spent enough time living like the world - it is a profound and foolish waste. Despite the fact that it's strange not following or participating in their parties, I'm convinced that in the view of eternity it is much better to abstain from the rules of this deceitful world.
At first, it will just be me serving a platter but the more I spur and reach out, the others will willingly offer something for the common good. I know this for sure. Manifold grace - many colored grace. Each one of us has been given something that we can utilize and dish out to build others up.

So, I will stop at nothing until the table is filled.

° FOR THE NEW WORLD °

     “It’s daunting,” said the high school student thinking ahead. She breathes the breath of stress and nervousness. The future is unknown and we lack the power to determine outcomes. Yes, in fact, it is daunting; the most daunting decision you’ll ever have to make as a student. After all, your course will shape the road ahead; what classes you will take, which friends you will make, and what career paths will open post-graduate. Though there is a bewildering variety of courses don’t fret because whichever you choose in the end, you will learn many things you wouldn’t have otherwise. 

     Consider your values. Before the world began Someone thought of you. It is such grace to be welcomed and be found in the aftermath. The story where another died to save the unlikely. When circumstances send pains to your temples; keeping you awake at the dead of night, there your values will show up. They will light up the navy blue plastered sheets of the sky like stars. Where have you been? And where are you going? The moon will illuminate the crevices of your pounding heart. Each thought will be sifted and you will feel peace. Surely Goodness is in control. 

     Consider your personality. It is not enough that researchers move to natural carbon seeps to study how ecosystems are faring. To understand how certain things affect organisms, they would have to observe it in the field. We zoom in on ourselves and zoom out on the entirety of humanity and we realize, with great excitement and worry, that everyone is prone to change. We live in the crystal blue; water flowing through. It fills and empties us over and over again until we become transparent. Our delicate shells can be affected by the new order of things; seeming alive with vibrant colors. But once we allow pretense and mesmerizing compromise into our coral reef structured intestines, we lose half of ourselves. So know where you stand and memorize the sound you hear because, through the noise, it will not be shaken. 

     Consider re-learning. What is the why behind your decision? You must have a certain molecule that reacts with the air that you breathe in to produce light. Picture the molecule to be your preparation that melts with your reality. Though even the near-ish future is unknown, you can find comfort in your promise that is protected by faith.

     Seek.

  When you catch yourself clutching your head to press your brain in; pre-packaged violent thoughts wandering in and out of you, remind yourself that abiding by the spring of living water will quench your thirst. Excite yourself for the things to come yet live fully in the moment for it will never come again. Wherever the waves take you, whether deep into the seafloor or just upon the shore, stand and watch. Making an impact in this sleeping generation can be lonely. But trust me, there is nothing more exciting than this. And when they see the radiance they will join along. It’s electric. We are creatures of the new world. Your course shall never define who you are or who you will become. 

     “I am scared,” you say. 

     We all are. All are afraid but we continue doing things anyway. Knees shaking and hands sweating. Don’t you realize that our hearts are a lot closer with one another when we realize that we don’t do things to create something new? We get to be part of something beyond us.

whose story is it?

IN THE VALLEY
caught up in the ordinariness of the world
you sit down and think about
how one day you will leave this world behind
bitterness tried to rob your joy
how dare they question your
priorities when they haven't gotten
theirs straight
but you realize that maybe
you shouldn't expect much really
it is the rotten judgment that has already
settled to see only half of the story

you never get in some sort of trouble
your life is brag-worthy
but nonetheless, you remain
quiet

THE ASCENT
a mountain is in your way
you gaze upon the cloud hanging above it
the treasure where your heart is
is higher and greater than all
you gain quiet confidence through all of this

naming the gift
even though you suffered a loss
I watched you sing your favorite song
every drop of tear was like a waterfall
but the moment it hit your lips
it glistened with gratitude
this was hard
but you did it anyways

you emerge through the seasons
through the chapters
through pages
always chasing after
what was eternal and above

cored and peeled
don't eat it yet
it is too hot

I told you it's too hot

when the time is right
when it turns golden brown
stand & watch

SOLA FIDE
this is the sound of the beginning
you could be anything — 
never superficial, the bottom line
don't forget the bottom line
you are imperishable; redeemed
by the imperishable seed that grew
salvation

there is a new order of things
as a vessel
you will rise
changed & transformed

isang sulat para sa kanya

madalas ang hinahanap ko ay ang sagot
ang lunas sa epidemya ng mga mata
kong bulag sa katotohanan

natanong ko na
saan ka na ba?
saan patungo at mukhang
nilimot mo na ang iyong
pinagmulan?

ako'y naguguluhan

ang gaan ng hangin ay
patuloy parin sa pagbuhat
sa aking pusong puno
ng damdamin

ikaw ang dagat
at ikaw ang lawak ng
kalawakan
sa wakas
narinig ko rin
sa gitna
sa ilalim ng lalim ng pangarap
ang iyong pagtawag sa akin
muli

kakapit
haharapin
ang bukas na paparating
maliwanag ang aking mga mata
malaya
malayang...malaya

paalam na sa aking nakasanayan
paalam sa nakaraan

lilisan na kasing tulin
ng isang buntong hininga

lahat ay bago sa paningin
pati narin ang aking
pagkatao at storya

napaparami ang aking mga iniisip
mga binigkas mong salita at mga
pangako
binabalikbalikan
inaalala ang aking mga pagkukulang

salamat sa bigat na aking pinagdaanan
dahil ngayon kita na kita
at wala na akong gustong gawin
kundi mapuno ng mangha

mananatili ang aking mga mata
sa iyong ganda

to: what has always been

there is hope in your eyes
it's perfect throughout the day

you wouldn't compromise
surprisingly
no one knows where all your sorrows go

you create for a new world
not for this one
it's a matter of taste
maybe perspective
or the lack thereof
in understanding your prologue
and theme

what once was
never invited to grand alumnights
or parties
in the early days and darkest of nights

it's time for a long nap
and when you wake up
you realize you care
but you're really just disassociating

there is hope in your eyes
it's perfect throughout the day

many people are afraid
that you are in color
no sense of restraint at all

while you're not perfect
your idiosyncrasies
the unknown satisfaction
from the world you live in
made you solid
pursuing purpose more than most
people want to breathe

suddenly in your counterfeit
you got to see bits of the clear water
you have never otherwise have
encountered

it's time for a long nap
and when you wake up
you realize you how different your
path is

and that's okay

hey world, im different

there's a different kind of blindness
that is sadder than the physical
it's never seeing things unveil slowly
as they were intended  to be
never finding out what
you missed

you and I
we're made to fly
but not like this
not like the rest
not like the many thousands
of people moving
too quickly

how do you balance the
strange longing to have
something move towards you
as fast as possible
but remain in the still
and quiet present

the rhythm of their dancing
so enchanting, enthralling

I'm left with this: if joining them
I measure up to where they are
but I leave the promises meant for me
only if I remain, would it be
worth it to decamp just to hear them say,
"welcome to the club."

Goodbye, 2018 — Up The North Road

What a year it has been!

I've got the time to reflect; sift through the past events and I can attest and say that God, clearly,  has been my lifeline and navigation system. There have been a lot of downs than there are highs for me; moments of just pure discouragement and resistance to give everything because I felt like there wasn't anyone that truly hears me. Following Jesus means leaving something. And for Him to be the center of everything, I simply cannot be there. Doubts came knocking on my door as anxieties built up within me. But in those dark times, God has never failed to remind me of who He is and that I am loved no less even though, I let the world dictate my actions and that His Word became so easily washed away and drowned out because I was more attuned to my selfish desires.

The road took me places that I didn't expect it to and it came to a point of not wanting to spend time with God and the things I hear from sermons or my accountability partners, didn't matter much to me. The scales in my eyes thickened and my ears have seemed to have forgotten to be aware of God's gentle voice. It wasn't that I completely shut myself from God but I really was so stagnant that I made so little growth spiritually. I was trying hard to seem and convince myself that I have it all together when everything was slipping away; felt like I was losing control. I still read the Bible, met with my discipler, attended Sunday services, involved in a ministry but I was incredibly caught up with the illusion that I was doing okay. There were moments of longing to encounter even just a glimpse of God's glory because I felt like I couldn't breathe; a dark cloud hung over me. I was stuck on a truth that I should have already understood. Instead, I kept coming back to it because I didn't actually apply it in my life. I was going back and forth, back and forth in such a slow speed. I grew tired. I could've heard a different truth from God and knew Him better but I chose to immerse myself on social media and other distractions and that led me nowhere. I was dead, callous...unfeeling. I let circumstances drive me and I fell hard defeated when I'm supposed to be victorious in Christ. I lost sight of what I was truly waiting for. I took for granted the people around me whom I was meant to love, treasure, serve, and witness to. I kept repeating the same routine asking God to help me. But simply adding Him into my routine is not the way to go. If I want God, something has to change and I have to let go of the things that don't enable me to exalt His name to the highest place. This life I'm living is supposed to be lived for Him alone. If He gave His life away then why should I hold onto mine? I should cherish life but paradoxically hold it with open hands. 

Looking back, I was never really lonely. God has always been there; breaking chains and showing grace. I say God was my lifeline & navigation system because through all of the changes and my stubbornness, many wounds have been reopened and it hurt like hell but one thing always remained... giving me life, healing, and direction and that's my God. Soli Deo Gloria!

Cheers to 2019! To more breaking and molding!

Waiting...

my ring finger looks fragile
but I look at it repeatedly until it becomes
strong enough to be my backbone

staring at my phone
I knew that there was always something
to be frightened of;
people who crush our hands pretending to reach out
the dark shadows beneath one's bright eyes
joy leaping out of sadness

spread the word
the moon has turned its deep craters to ears that listen
the night sky takes its turn to shine

waiting for the thrilling conclusion
for



compost



to grow stories or maybe a faint structure
for you and me

winds of change

the wind tastes good
it's like lemonade
innocence
children planting pine trees
not fighting to be heard
but to keep this world alive

the wind tastes good
it glides with the sea of stars
winter
I should start to make a difference
the seed that was buried
it's its time to grow into something
beyond itself unhurried

the wind tastes like spring
it's coming unseen but never unfelt
run
the words good and faithful
are ones I'd like to hear when
I come face to face with my Maker but
what am I doing while I'm waiting?
purity is the fragrance of love
living in denial
holding on to wrong desires
rots the tree
robs its heart from a beautiful
melody

the wind tastes like July
it will change its course one day
notice
notice it changing