Okay, today marks the first day of me writing a short story. First time writing something like this, too. I’m more comfortable with poems; prose poems. For years, that’s all I ever did. But I always had short stories at the back of my mind. Furthermore, I made a goal for myself about a year ago, that the moment I reach college, one of my side projects would be to write a novel. I guess, we can start small.
I don’t have any ideas in mind so, let’s see where this takes us -- hopefully somewhere magical. I have no storyline, no characters… no nothing. I bet this is going to be bad though, but that won’t bother me. I’m only really aiming for magical. What this journey holds for me is unknowable. I know that being here says something. I could be over there. I’m downright just standing by this statement: there are things I’ll never learn otherwise. So imma stay. Expectantly.
As I wait for an idea to arrive, I’d like to talk to you about what is going on right now. I am sitting on my mother’s spinning chair, typing on my father’s laptop collecting dust on my fingertips, and speaking to a young lady named Erica. Trying my best to form a new friendship that is founded on grace and exceptional conversations about the goodness of our amazing Father! I foresee a solid sisterhood. More on that later.
We are under enhanced community quarantine (ecq) because of this phenomenal COVID-19. I am a complete loner. I love that I’m at home and that the world is here to join me in this. Indoor Season 2020! It’s interesting to experience this unique time as well as seeing how everybody else is responding. However amazing it is for me that God is reuniting our family and lining up truths to absorb, it is very challenging still to build my day up properly in a sense that I could really maximize it. That has always been my struggle in my life. A point of contention that has always rendered me rootless. I am constantly compromising and stepping out of the line of the boundaries that I place. Man, I thought I’m strong. But I’m really not. I could break and bend so easily like a pretzel. Except I’m not flexible so now my back hurts. Anyway. How do I abandon letting the day go on and drag me m.o.? Well, folks, I made a schedule today. What’s more hilarious is that I’m committing to start my day as early as 5 am.
Yesterday, we met with one of our church mentors through a zoom call (it’s the normal way of communicating nowadays). I came in thrilled with open hands. In front of me was a window. The orange 4 pm slowly setting sun that melted into the 7 pm night sky hit my skin. If you can’t tell whether or not I learned anything from a 3-hour call… I can because I truly did. So, this is me peeling the peel that covers my heart. For a while, I felt like I’ve been living under such a heavy cloud. My soul was sick; thirsty and hungry. I’ve been living off of a piece of encouragement from a devotion I had months ago when I could literally reach my hands out and receive more. So what’s keeping me stagnant? Complacency. Absolute apathy upon the path I should be taking in order for me to gratify my carnal self. I showily carve my bones to make me believe that I’m doing good, but in all honesty, I am not. I’ve been here before; it’s also not the first time I acknowledged that. I guess I’ve allowed myself too much and I sit here thirsty for even a drop of bravery and perseverance because I know how hard it is to suddenly not be the way that I used to be. I suppose the easier way of thinking about it is the reality that I can fully accede with the person I am designed to be. But folks, we are still far from arriving! For now, I’d be more grateful when I am being chiseled and pruned. That’s so much harder to do than say, I agree. To help myself, why don’t we compose a list of practical ways I can apply on a daily basis throughout this extended quarantine? Let us shall.
~Julia’s List~
- Waking up at 5 am - this is obviously easier said than done. But this has always been one of my biggest goals of all time! In order for me to achieve this, I guess I just have to… do it. I try to convince people that I am a morning person, but the arguments I receive from their end are too strong. I must show them that I, indeed, am. Words are cheap when it comes to resolutions.
- Taking care of friendships - genuinely caring for other people is personally very exhausting. I understand that we are all built to be relational somehow, but I truly dread making the first approach. I could remain quiet and still enjoy silence but... life ain’t meant to be lived for ourselves and only to fulfill our fleeting self-centered agendas. That’s just a sad epic nobody wants to ever read about. Recently, I’ve been trying to reach out to friends I haven’t talked to for long years. I want to reconnect with them because now I am beginning to understand the reason why God allowed us to meet during the time we did -- our glorious elementary days. Even though we’ve been tugged into different directions and we’ve grown to be completely new people, we’re all trying to maneuver into this age: Our Twenties! No matter how far we are from each other, I am quite eager to carve out a new sense of friendship; nothing like the ones we had when we were kids, but as young adults dealing with our circumstances this time around. With this in mind, I will try to forge a deeper connection with those around me now. Usually, what’s really stopping me from doing so, is my inability to engage. I’m just not an engaging person, I suppose. But all it takes is to listen sometimes. That goes a long way in camaraderie.
- Keep a prayer list - I’ve always been insecure about my prayers. I take it to be a difficult task. I often wonder if my prayers get to heaven cause I feel like they would just bounce off the ceiling and back at me. I realized through the years that praying without ceasing actually means involving God in everything. Integrating prayer in my daily routine has allowed me to do just that. I get to lift up my concerns to Him and listen well; His gentle whisper of direction and answers. I wait and watch what He does.
- Stay away at a safe distance from social media - I’ve meant to do this long before another decade emerged. I’d scroll until I reach the bottom of my Facebook timeline even if most of the posts are nonsensical. So, if you’re my friend there, I see you. And it’s not me being dramatic, but I am too caught up in it; addicted. Not really sure how to go on about this. In my mind, I just want to unknot myself from it as much as I can. If I can deactivate I would… but that just wouldn’t be strategic right now. I wouldn’t be able to do my #2! It’s given me that avenue to stay connected. That sounds like a lame excuse. I’ll do my best, don’t worry. I’ll use airplane mode at 10 pm, turn my notifications off, go social only at 11 am, won’t bring my phone in the bathroom, and just keep it from taking over my entire life.
- Think right - whatever goes on Up There flows through my heart and manifests through my actions. I have taken this discipline for granted. Naturally, when negative thoughts cross my mind, I’d just brush it off and not process how it even got there in the first place. If you’ve been spending a long time with what’s true and noble and right and pure, that every border is familiar, you won’t get knocked over by lies; thoughts that stitch themselves appealing making you believe they’re all true. Seamless. It must be real, you thought. I’m pulling close to reminding myself that my thought life is one that needs protection. Just because everybody in the queue lines up for it, doesn’t make it correct. People can be sincere and sincerely wrong. What reaches my mind can just be thought for now, but it has the capacity to crawl through my very being and corrupt my entire system. What once was just a thought is now my nature; my way of life. To combat this, I must then keep myself active in filling up my mind with thoughts of good repute, always show thanks, and think best of others.
I’m going to continue listing things down. For now, I’m leaving you with this. I’ll return after a while and keep you updated with how the story is coming along or if it even worked out. I’m hopeful. I’m quite hopeful. Am I hopeful enough?