heartsick

Fran Pulido

I went down for a bit

most nights I am tempted to invest in
the desires of the fickle flesh
although my old self is dead
its influence still runs in my bones
my skin is illuminated
by the yellow refrigerator light — a reminder
that light will meet me in starless wild places
as it always has
but I fail to follow its voice for the enemy's
cadence is so enticing; it provides what I want
not what I need though, even though
I beg for efflorescence
I am shoved back with nothing in my tainted hands
but shame & regrets
they are my old friends
but they never knew me
eating me up as I eat all that is contrary
to who I was called to be
I am empty, suddenly heartsick
airborn worms that look non violent
sing to me the songs from when I was eleven
I cover my eyes with my hands
You remove them along with the disgusting thin film
formed above my eyelids
the skyward tale is not that complicated
but it is one bridge of clay shaped and reshaped
considering where you have been
and the choices you made
this process of pruning is pain
but I prayed for this didn't I?
my soul travels to a stream of water panting
my veins are mapped and known
let me dive right into beginnings that
I walked upon but never seen the ending
tell me how to go home
I want to return; cater the one thing I really need
to my very being