01. about a week ago

Okay, today marks the first day of me writing a short story. First time writing something like this, too. I’m more comfortable with poems; prose poems. For years, that’s all I ever did. But I always had short stories at the back of my mind. Furthermore, I made a goal for myself about a year ago, that the moment I reach college, one of my side projects would be to write a novel. I guess, we can start small. 

I don’t have any ideas in mind so, let’s see where this takes us -- hopefully somewhere magical. I have no storyline, no characters… no nothing. I bet this is going to be bad though, but that won’t bother me. I’m only really aiming for magical. What this journey holds for me is unknowable. I know that being here says something. I could be over there. I’m downright just standing by this statement: there are things I’ll never learn otherwise. So imma stay. Expectantly. 

As I wait for an idea to arrive, I’d like to talk to you about what is going on right now. I am sitting on my mother’s spinning chair, typing on my father’s laptop collecting dust on my fingertips, and speaking to a young lady named Erica. Trying my best to form a new friendship that is founded on grace and exceptional conversations about the goodness of our amazing Father! I foresee a solid sisterhood. More on that later. 

We are under enhanced community quarantine (ecq) because of this phenomenal COVID-19. I am a complete loner. I love that I’m at home and that the world is here to join me in this. Indoor Season 2020! It’s interesting to experience this unique time as well as seeing how everybody else is responding. However amazing it is for me that God is reuniting our family and lining up truths to absorb, it is very challenging still to build my day up properly in a sense that I could really maximize it. That has always been my struggle in my life. A point of contention that has always rendered me rootless. I am constantly compromising and stepping out of the line of the boundaries that I place. Man, I thought I’m strong. But I’m really not. I could break and bend so easily like a pretzel. Except I’m not flexible so now my back hurts. Anyway. How do I abandon letting the day go on and drag me m.o.? Well, folks, I made a schedule today. What’s more hilarious is that I’m committing to start my day as early as 5 am. 

Yesterday, we met with one of our church mentors through a zoom call (it’s the normal way of communicating nowadays). I came in thrilled with open hands. In front of me was a window. The orange 4 pm slowly setting sun that melted into the 7 pm night sky hit my skin. If you can’t tell whether or not I learned anything from a 3-hour call… I can because I truly did. So, this is me peeling the peel that covers my heart. For a while, I felt like I’ve been living under such a heavy cloud. My soul was sick; thirsty and hungry. I’ve been living off of a piece of encouragement from a devotion I had months ago when I could literally reach my hands out and receive more. So what’s keeping me stagnant? Complacency. Absolute apathy upon the path I should be taking in order for me to gratify my carnal self. I showily carve my bones to make me believe that I’m doing good, but in all honesty, I am not. I’ve been here before; it’s also not the first time I acknowledged that. I guess I’ve allowed myself too much and I sit here thirsty for even a drop of bravery and perseverance because I know how hard it is to suddenly not be the way that I used to be. I suppose the easier way of thinking about it is the reality that I can fully accede with the person I am designed to be. But folks, we are still far from arriving! For now, I’d be more grateful when I am being chiseled and pruned. That’s so much harder to do than say, I agree. To help myself, why don’t we compose a list of practical ways I can apply on a daily basis throughout this extended quarantine? Let us shall. 

~Julia’s List~

1. Waking up at 5 am - this is obviously easier said than done. But this has always been one of my biggest goals of all time! In order for me to achieve this, I guess I just have to… do it. I try to convince people that I am a morning person, but the arguments I receive from their end are too strong. I must show them that I, indeed, am. Words are cheap when it comes to resolutions. 
2. Taking care of friendships - genuinely caring for other people is personally very exhausting. I understand that we are all built to be relational somehow, but I truly dread making the first approach. I could remain quiet and still enjoy silence but... life ain’t meant to be lived for ourselves and only to fulfill our fleeting self-centered agendas. That’s just a sad epic nobody wants to ever read about. Recently, I’ve been trying to reach out to friends I haven’t talked to for long years. I want to reconnect with them because now I am beginning to understand the reason why God allowed us to meet during the time we did -- our glorious elementary days. Even though we’ve been tugged into different directions and we’ve grown to be completely new people, we’re all trying to maneuver into this age: Our Twenties! No matter how far we are from each other, I am quite eager to carve out a new sense of friendship; nothing like the ones we had when we were kids, but as young adults dealing with our circumstances this time around. With this in mind, I will try to forge a deeper connection with those around me now. Usually, what’s really stopping me from doing so, is my inability to engage. I’m just not an engaging person, I suppose. But all it takes is to listen sometimes. That goes a long way in camaraderie. 

3. Keep a prayer list - I’ve always been insecure about my prayers. I take it to be a difficult task. I often wonder if my prayers get to heaven cause I feel like they would just bounce off the ceiling and back at me. I realized through the years that praying without ceasing actually means involving God in everything. Integrating prayer in my daily routine has allowed me to do just that. I get to lift up my concerns to Him and listen well; His gentle whisper of direction and answers. I wait and watch what He does. 
4. Stay away at a safe distance from social media - I’ve meant to do this long before another decade emerged. I’d scroll until I reach the bottom of my Facebook timeline even if most of the posts are nonsensical. So, if you’re my friend there, I see you. And it’s not me being dramatic, but I am too caught up in it; addicted. Not really sure how to go on about this. In my mind, I just want to unknot myself from it as much as I can. If I can deactivate I would… but that just wouldn’t be strategic right now. I wouldn’t be able to do my #2! It’s given me that avenue to stay connected. That sounds like a lame excuse. I’ll do my best, don’t worry. I’ll use airplane mode at 10 pm, turn my notifications off, go social only at 11 am, won’t bring my phone in the bathroom, and just keep it from taking over my entire life. 
5. Think right - whatever goes on Up There flows through my heart and manifests through my actions. I have taken this discipline for granted. Naturally, when negative thoughts cross my mind, I’d just brush it off and not process how it even got there in the first place. If you’ve been spending a long time with what’s true and noble and right and pure, that every border is familiar, you won’t get knocked over by lies; thoughts that stitch themselves appealing making you believe they’re all true. Seamless. It must be real, you thought. I’m pulling close to reminding myself that my thought life is one that needs protection. Just because everybody in the queue lines up for it, doesn’t make it correct. People can be sincere and sincerely wrong. What reaches my mind can just be thought for now, but it has the capacity to crawl through my very being and corrupt my entire system. What once was just a thought is now my nature; my way of life. To combat this, I must then keep myself active in filling up my mind with thoughts of good repute, always show thanks, and think best of others. 

I’m going to continue listing things down. For now, I’m leaving you with this. I’ll return after a while and keep you updated with how the story is coming along or if it even worked out. I’m hopeful. I’m quite hopeful. Am I hopeful enough? 

heartsick

Fran Pulido

I went down for a bit

most nights I am tempted to invest in
the desires of the fickle flesh
although my old self is dead
its influence still runs in my bones
my skin is illuminated
by the yellow refrigerator light — a reminder
that light will meet me in starless wild places
as it always has
but I fail to follow its voice for the enemy's
cadence is so enticing; it provides what I want
not what I need though, even though
I beg for efflorescence
I am shoved back with nothing in my tainted hands
but shame & regrets
they are my old friends
but they never knew me
eating me up as I eat all that is contrary
to who I was called to be
I am empty, suddenly heartsick
airborn worms that look non violent
sing to me the songs from when I was eleven
I cover my eyes with my hands
You remove them along with the disgusting thin film
formed above my eyelids
the skyward tale is not that complicated
but it is one bridge of clay shaped and reshaped
considering where you have been
and the choices you made
this process of pruning is pain
but I prayed for this didn't I?
my soul travels to a stream of water panting
my veins are mapped and known
let me dive right into beginnings that
I walked upon but never seen the ending
tell me how to go home
I want to return; cater the one thing I really need
to my very being

triad

I.

even in the midst of people passing by 

it would rather stay and revisit a hidden trauma 

to ponder, a lot, thinking, "may this be the last 

you'll ever see me." 

I picked up the pieces I believed were mine 

stitched up under one of my hands, carefully structured, 

are rusted musical instruments playing for free 

engineered to awaken something in everybody 

but not one wounded would turn up even during 

the weekends

I suppose this was not as loud just yet 

I never had anybody who'd choose to be a moth 

riding on the back of a doe with me 

and stare only, single-mindedly, at the stars 

that wasn't made for us

sit and finish the murky lake's highly anticipated 

dramatic work for the stage 

there's nothing grand about it 

but it changes my anatomy with its command of 

language and grace  

carrying me fervently, violently, gently 

until I couldn't recognize the difference

II.

twenty years later, that brings us to now 

making friends as an adult and the only thing 

that could calm me is the sound of the printer, printing
pictures that my eyes are too small to truly parse 

back in the nineties where it's always morning, 

even in the afternoon, you were my kid wonder 

I still have your speeches 

memorialized monologues about time machines 

and leaving lasting legacies; I put my head up 

surmising something must be right cause I now know
what is wrong 

I can tell it apart and painstakingly refine it until it
can seamlessly be honorable and legitimate 

indeed it is wrong 

because the truth is simplistic and unembellished 

I'm fumbling to pull together fragments of what used 

to be what kept me afloat, maybe 

it's time to give it up 

times are changing and so are we 

III. 

I gravitate to a wall, where I go to be seen 

or even talk, I forge a new normal (better to be 

pursued during New Year's Eve or when you're quarantined) 

behind closed doors, it is You and my longing heart 

a world that is between boundless oceans and matters-of-fact

in my reckoning, I am exceedingly glad

the treasure that I found is beyond the reach of decay 

redeemed from the traditions of this perverse 

generation and the last; a better word was spoken 

that I must now play the noblest part; join the remnant

now is the time

this is the beginning stemming from the Cause that 

created my restored lungs to grow in the uphill climb

that was inquired for earnestly from before;

their services aren't meant 

for themselves - they were intended for me 

a sobering truth that holds my hope and future 

I am coming home and I will bring

as many as I can back to Galilee

same breath

time is quickly passing and persisting through 

the timeless thoughts that my brain produces

but it seems 

my fingers are too tired to type them 

I don't know what I want to convey here 

the words I have are but memories that 

can't properly take shape

they are wondering if ever I have them written 

behind the back of my hand 

so when I'm lost, I could return 

cause you know 

I love returning 

suddenly the night had found its voice 

the hot air is compressed in my lungs 

and it is burning in my lower back, too 

what have I been doing? 

I am not down to sleep at 3am again 

but here I am 

and I only want to be who I am 

what am I saying? 

maybe I should just close my eyes 

and feel the safety of falling 

everything, all this, so much 

under the same breath 

I left the nightlight on 

I hope I find what I am looking for 

as I grow

at the crack of dawn

I hear the bird's song above me 

the morning light gently appears

my skin turns darker than usual 

I look at the back of my hand memorizing

the words I said in the conversation 

I just had with a mirror facing towards

the box of sentimental things I hide under my bed 

my legs have garnered enough strength to 

walk a mile back and see the bigger picture 

I hope winter ends

and takes my fears as well 

kind of like how the navy blue sky 

folds back in the outer space and 

meets the brighter blue sky that envelopes 

the mornings each time your name comes around

leaving doesn't always mean changing 

so when I left I left with this in mind 

that if ever I come back I have grown and read

as many books as I could ever and loved so much 

two decades it took 

how different are your 6PM family dinners from

the ones that you took when you were eleven? 

I still don't know me and you 

and I still love dancing in the shadows of 

a mountain that with one word 

could move further and teach me lessons about

growing pains and amazing grace 

from now on

I will carry the word 'gather'

make it my active pursuit to collect myself 

no matter how hard a day could get and have my eyes

pull something out of wonder 

Thought Life

I sit and I stare

my ears open only for the distant sounds of 

strings that move within the confines of 

a jar 

a jar that we adore

with all its stories, songs, and art 

that unknowingly cleansed every affected bone that hid 

deep into flashes of comparison

to some, it seemed dull, unconventional

no matter, it was sure and rooted on the Source

of all beauty and goodness - the wonder that lands on the eyes; 

the reward for the heart that stood its ground 

not many understand it 

the apparent decision of most people 

may deny you the opportunity to stay still;

to fill up on what is true and noble and pure 

but I beg of you

stay 

remain

abide 

fear has taught many lessons 

but courage could teach more 

even when it meant going against the grain 

sailing a river never crossed 

on a warm Tuesday when I went to quench my longing

for a bit of reflection, there you were 

the hand that held my arm 

a bright memory

a familiar memory 

I shake my head and I walk away 

I don't dare to listen to the voice that led me astray 

you left such a taste that gives me chills 

twenty-six blinks it took me

to refocus and recall that 

I must begin again at nineteen 

At Midnight, After Midnight

“Do I have anything good to contribute to where I  am planted?” I asked myself. 

In my most formative years, there has always been a desire within me that gallantly
attempts to reach some parts of the world. I wanted to  make a difference. Maybe not as big
of an impact that will spark a revolution, but an impact it will be. I wanted a change in many
different aspects of society, my home life, my inner self. Many people do not like change. It
seems stifling; too uncomfortable. They’d rather live in the confines of what they are used to
rather than testing the bounds of what’s possible and going beyond them. I was a shy kid. I
was always too afraid. I was trapped in my box of anxiety, fear, pride. My midnights were
filled with discouragement, with hopelessness, with longings.

Again, I ask, “Do I have anything, any good, that I could possibly contribute to
where I am planted?” We are all the same under the surface; searching for purpose and yet
so petrified of failure. In my nineteen years of life, I’ve learned that failure doesn’t have to
have the last word. It is what builds you up. The problem with failure is perspective. The
tragedy is not being able to envisage a new path. But can’t you see it? Failures powerfully
declare that you can start again. This time to actually do something that mattered. A new
path. A new path that you must see; where you should be. 
I’ve had my bouts of anxieties and insecurities. When I lose sight, I am then choked
by the world and it is learning to break away from words that used to torment me that allows
me to breathe again. Choosing change, walking away when you know it isn’t right,
counterfeiting the patterns of this sick world is no foolery. It is wise. Yes, unconventional,
at times, but the things that you get out of it are what get you through the tough times, and
the other times. You grow. And that’s what makes it worth it. Nothing we do where the only
reason we do it is for temporal happiness is ever worth it. You learn not to be guided by
circumstances or what the majority of people choose to do but by what purpose compelled.
Even when you’re the only one there. You arrive at a place where you lose judgment, begin
to discern and stand in truth. 
I am not here to perform a routine function. I am here to live out an extraordinary
one that only I can, the way that I am able to. Not by my own strength and not for my glory.
It’s just so much easier when we realize that life is not about us. You stop to care about what
other people think of you. It is no longer about you and me. We get to be part of something
great. You and I aren’t just called, we become chosen. Goodness unites those who heed its
call. Maybe one day I’d see you running the same race. I’d watch you and cheer you on for
your desires are earnest and love is real. 
Here’s a word of hope: though you may be in your darkest moments, the most
difficult circumstance that you don’t even know where to go anymore, something’s certain
after midnight. The dawn appears and a new day begins. So, don’t be afraid to press on.
Make a difference with the little that you have. That’s much harder than it sounds, and
sometimes in the end, so much easier than what you imagine.

Fly high.