a gist of what has been going around my mind

Currently, inspiration isn't showing itself.

I guess it's just so good at ignoring me?

Well, perhaps, I hope it changes its mind soon.

I recently found my missing notebook & I wished to write on it. I had it on the table & my right hand was holding up my favorite ball point pen but it just won't touch the paper! And so my misery began. My brain is active 24/7 nowadays. Even when I'm asleep, I get dreams about cats, record stores, and back to the future. I ain't complaining but I really want to put them all down so my mind can breathe a little. I want to write about more creative stories but nothing is coming out of me. I guess the world's not ready for whatever my brain has to offer lmao.

This upcoming days & week, I am committing myself to my studies. Hey, being homeschooled is not a joke.  There are hard difficult areas to balance out the happy aka physics & the like.  All the hopes my brain lobes won't set themselves on fire.
To freshen me up, I constantly wash my face with facial cleanser & if my mood is feeling it, I exfoliate. It's procrastination, if I do say so myself!
During my breaks, I try to stay away from social media. I've had enough of those. So I'm laying low- literally. I take naps. Or quite usually, I read.

Let's get into my brain more.

AT THE VERY BACK OF MY MIND,
I'm really thinking about college courses. They fascinate in a high level & also, I still have no clue what to take, the truth is spilled!
Is it normal? Because whenever a child is asked about what he wants to be when he grows up, he'll answer right away. I've been there!
I always tell myself that a 5 year old me can help so, let's call it out.

Before, I really wanted to be a kindergarten teacher. Besides, their excellent choice of fashion, I've always thought of them as collectively understanding set of people who has lots of patience. What a dream. Plus, they get so many fan mails from their students. A normal person's longings fulfilled am I right?!

I wanted to be a business person too. It was fun to think about while it lasted. Having meeting about sales in conference room 457 was cool back then and all that. I praised my assistant quite often too which, made her like me so much as a boss.

For a few months, I also wanted to be a designer. Sketching away my ideas for a perfect wedding dress. But then, I found out that my cooperation with style is more of just like taking a shower and trying to pair items like black skinny jeans, patterned shirt, a hoodie, and a pair of flats. Not entirely saying I don't have style. Just that I don't think I'd do well in that kind of job where it really requires you to be stylish.

Let's examine my freshly updated mind to what my child self just wrote down

NOT AT ALL BAD OPTIONS,
though I'm still am undecided. It can't be that bad, I hope as I convince my whole entire self.
What I really know for sure is that I just want a simple life and not an emergency based one. I don't want to be working machine, high stress team heavy person. I have no interest in that, no sir!
My perception in college course hunting has changed a lot, I suppose. Though, those aren't bad career paths, I just don't see myself in that position. Maybe a kindergarten teacher but not quite completely.

I want to take up something that I know I'm really going to be passionate about and one day be someone I know I really wanted to be.

I  have to ponder about that more. Please do pray that my brain'll stop 180ing and changing directions and produce something that will constantly be my motivation in life.

I hope you have the most beautiful day of your life <3

hitting home,

hey hey hello, me again.

after a while, it has come to my senses, that maybe it is the time to write what has been going on down and publish yet another post in this magical place wherein, I stuff my uninhibited thoughts (I have been terrible at it, I sincerely apologize).

joy- at least for my soul & I.

the conclusion or I much prefer to be called "new end" of yet another year has passed & I cannot express in words how exceedingly gratifying it is to get to the finish line of 2015. I have come across a lot of lessons and realizations that truly spoke spectacularly in me. the duration of the past year felt as if it was only a small collection of minutes. time is really flying fast these days!

I went through exhausting internal battles that honestly, we can all resonate unto. I've had bad days that balance out amazing good days wherein I was at my freest self at the pinnacle of my turned and tumbled mountains. 

A lot happened in 2015 guys. Most of those happened in my wired inner self; I realized that I was hypersensitive about heaps of things like the way I respond badly to my daily schedule not being followed, doing house chores, writing and the like. 
In terms of relationships, I grew closer to my family and I like to keep on being open to them because I was used to always be a closed door. I handled twelve six year olds during sports camp everyday for two weeks! I learned to understand handball & how it was to be a child again. 
I made lots of art which I hardly ever do. I thought of different reasons to get out of bed. I watched Star Wars: The Force Awakens in 3D! (Kylo Ren, I want you to know that I cried over you). I was really active in my ministry in church & I can't ask for any other set of friends. 

2016 went blazing right ahead & the usual circle of emotions that I get every start of the year came crashing on me. on account of my carried memories from the previous beginning of the year, my constant mantra was to keep my head up high but that slowly got old in my days it was a bit of a fallen farmhouse towards the next months; it died on me. besides, I never really appropriated much on the purpose of that said mantra of mine that repeating it to myself didn't even powerfully reached my inner self. it served as a good reminder but it didn't drive me the way I thought it would.

so in a nutshell,  life is crazy. I got so many memories, at the moment, that I am carrying in me from 2015. THANK YOU FOR THE MEMORIES. 

I feel greatgreatgreat!

January, January, oh sweet January. I absolutely adore the freshness of it, I can tell you that much. it is like taking a swim under a beautiful weather! delightful!
I am very excited to pursue more things this year, write more, laugh more more more. 

I still believe in mantras though my last one didn't work. so my mantra this year is to think of everyday as a magnificent one, no matter what is going on; never get tired of what is essential and reasons to live- a perfect wave or small changes. Whatever it is. Keep the best moments close to me! 

Cheers! 

bona fide childhood memories

I find myself gazing out my window

 & plainly just thinking about my childhood.

Times-

Times when all I cared about was that one precious 

thing.

Be it-

Be it a beat up & dirty toy but it didn't matter the state

What mattered-

what mattered was how significant it felt

whilst playing with it. 

Or that time-

Time when I felt my most freest self. 

Running around in circles and pretending to be an 

airplane or jumping from one chair to another; conquering

mountains and incredible heights I've never imagined ever before

Don't you ever just look at that moment again of your life

so far, far away 

but realizing it has always been close to you. 

It's symbiotic relationship

the 5 year old you & the older you

mountaintop (3)

Romans 12:1-2 The Message says: 
"So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you"

For a while I've felt distant from God. With all the things going around in my life plus the constant pressure peaking in me because of my studies, I can't help but waver. There were so many days when I completely forget to talk to Him and that my image of a good day suddenly just went grainy. 

On Mondays I attend bible study fellowship with my family wherein we seek God and His Word. This season we learn from Revelation, the last book of the Bible.  The first few chapters are about the Seven churches and how Jesus spoke to the individual angels of the said churches. He spoke about their deeds and how they are as a church. Looking at the scripture, my eyes became clear to how He commends  them but also gives multiple opportunities for them to repent. I realised that God is like an open door. He let's us experience what it's like to be "outside" in order for us to become aware of the fact that life is much better with Him. 

My relationship with God isn't perfect obviously. I am being sanctified every day. There are days when it really feels like I'm on top of the mountain and it's easy to praise and trust Him. But there are also times when it's actually a sacrifice to praise. Though, sometimes I fail to look at the bigger scale of His Will and why He allows bad circumstances to happen, I try to remind myself that my heart's song choice must always be to praise Him. 

It's difficult to be a responsible citizen of His kingdom and to live by the "rules". But God doesn't want us to get in trouble; He wants us to experience a life of fullness. We find blessings more appreciated if we know our limits and if we know that in those boundaries come blessings.  God's been speaking to me to go back to Him. And it amazes me that every time I walk away, He's just waiting for me to come back. He assures me that there is nothing in it for me in my old life that is rotten through and through and that I should always live on what is true. 

My life (in a list)

- experienced an hour without electricity
- watching a lot of videos about humanitarians
(also thinking about blogging about them!)
- listening to ready by kodaline
- posted something on https://medium.com/unknown-mountain-journey
- walking quite often
- finishing a portfolio
- reading harry potter and the order of the phoenix
- washing my face with cetaphil cleansing soap (tmi lol)
- danced for a flashmob on a concert

mountains (2)

I think of mountains as free spaces that I can glean on vicariously. Away from all the heaviness I might be hiding in me or from my negative thoughts piled up like swept leaves from the park that I brush off my shoulders quite likely every time.

Mountains, like any other thing, have a bad side and can be defined in many ways. They can be a spot to relax but also really complex. I'm facing a giant mountain at the moment. And I want to express myself so terribly but I seem to be used to keeping my frustrations under a rug and pushing them to the furthest place I can imagine. But this feeling comes back over and over again. And it's seems to be really inconvenient. When I feel like "yes finally I have reached the summit", what comes next is yet another mountain that I would have to climb once again.

Life is full of disappointments and a variety of unexplained realities that sometimes are unimaginable. . But my way to get by is to vividly remember how it's like to get to the peak- the gladness of overcoming something beyond me. These mountains are not much of trials as they are processes that many of us think wrongly of. Without them we would stagnate; We won't improve our well being.

Neither of us know what is up there unless we make a move on and convince ourselves to push when it's the hardest to do so.

//

Keanna, my marvelous friend, and myself are starting a publication called The Unknown Mountain Journey. I've always wanted a partner when it comes with trying to comprehend world issues and the complexity of human beings. The reason why we think it's such an amazing idea is because we just love exchanging opinions and questions. It would be like a place of fortitude for those who are looking for it.

More update on this soon!

//

CURRENTLY

-doing a lot of studying
-must say that my mind is clearer than a month ago
-trying to get out of my comfort zone
-listening to hold on by wilson phillips
-really loving mornings!
-practicing ukulele
-borrowing clothes from my brothers

7 hours in my room, comprising all things I've learned This school year in a bulging notebook,

The time is coming (dun dun duuunnnn), I have got to compile all my "learnings" and prepare a portfolio to present. My main theme, Shifting Paradigms and Individuality.  Please wish me luck. I am doing this alone. Like a responsible adult doing groceries or like a fisher because marine life is very abundant and relatively unlikely to eat him.

Okay making no sense,

My emotional capacity is exploding, at the moment. Presenting a portfolio isn't supposed to be nerve wracking right? Besides, the portfolio is MINE; Julia the PSYCHOPATH,

I remember this girl from school, she boldly presented a very strong portfolio. She said that you know you're doing it wrong when you're not completely happy about your work. Huge impact right there.


xx

Energy boost, please come along,

this feeling is like a long car ride

you don't know whether to put the windows

up or down

turn the radio volume up or down

waiting for a go signal when traffic jam has made
its decision to belong

the stretch you satisfyingly adore when the car stops
for gas and there's a convenient store making a thought cross your
mind to buy at least a bar of chocolate or two

the rain starts to pour and  your face becomes a part
of the gloomy weather,

you ask yourself
"why did i choose to take this path?"

but you still went on,
never stopped for you know that maybe something
out there is for you to reach

something out there can be yours as well

this life is one heck of a ride,
 sometimes we do not understand where it
takes us; most of the time, somewhere dark and
terrifying

there's a saying that goes "there is always a light at the
end of the tunnel"

truly there is.

"but where"

that's yours to deal. find it.
getting lost is alright. it prolongs the ride but it makes
your life the way it is right now, marvelously messy.

GO SEARCH FOR THE LIGHT, 

(rough)

"a mountain is what you see and feel it to be" (1)

two days ago:

I have never been on any mountain before. But I have heard and seen so many marvelous things about them. The way they were created and placed where they are evokes me for adventure. I am slightly in love with how they feel and keep still. Truly fascinating. This interest of mine started after reading countless articles and following variety of instagrams centering about art and their love for the mountains.

I forgot where I read this, probably Visual Strands, but it says that there is an enchanting and old world quality in mountains  that is easy to love but  hard to quantify and explain. I wrote this down on my handy notebook because I felt a lot of truth there. Coming from someone who hasn't experienced a bit of mountains, it's safe to say that there is absolutely something beneath the quiet of the mountains that catches ones soul.

Mountains cover 25% of this world. To some people they are home. Every now and then, I imagine myself up on a high mountain. The wind swooping all over the place and overseeing the city. Chirping birds and large trees everywhere. For me that's a nice calm practice when I'm a bit all over the place. I think mountains give out an indistinguishable premise. It's like the mountains serve as your security blanket. Truthfully, I wished there were more mountains around. Less cities and buildings. Our economy would be ten times better. I guess that's why a lot of people go hiking or rock climbing. Everyone, somehow, pursues escapism. And while, you're up there it feels as if recalling how surrounded you are with the entire spectrum of human emotions and for once, not care about it.

Today
(configuring and trying to refine thoughts to project the
supposed conclusion of this writing)


In this moment, I am feeling a bit of a total stuck up. When I woke up, I did my ordinary doings- toothbrushing, daily talk with God and breakfast eating. Seemed very ordinary. So no point really of appreciating it. But when I read the upper bit of this post, true enough, I again pictured myself up on a mountain. And I realised that everyone of us is experiencing a sequence of events that may never occur in that specific way ever again. It amazed me how that thought crossed my mind. Nowadays, we don't put in mind that we aren't placed here for an unknown reason. We have a purpose. Regardless of what others say because, honestly, we are all the same, subjectively. The way you respond to the circumstances you encounter today changes your tomorrows.

I know that, I was all talking about mountains. lol, I've casually shifted

In connection, the mountains don't think about what we can do for them. It is more of us thinking about what it can do for us. Similar to what we are almost always willing to do everyday. I'd like to think of mountains as friendly help. That when you don't have a clear mission, take time to think. Find your purpose. Be captivated. Don't lose passion. Just keep on doing what you love. You never truly know how much of a difference you've made in the world.

Good day xx