before i go upstairs

you can still see the glow 

of the kitchen light on the third stair

from the top

when I can't keep my eyes closed 

and fall on the warm comfort of my bed 

I sit on the watching stair

I listen to the soft

blended voices, too soft that

I hear my own breathing

I press my forehead against

the banisters and I see the far end 

of the fireplace 

I'll usually hear a song being

sang then I'll laugh quietly when partway

the words get messed up

I guess you'd have to be there

to make the humor alive

it's really funny

I'll stay for another while 

until I'm finally

tired

sea legs

I am the captain of this boat

I steer when the waves are subtle 

and when the storms and the winds

try to bang it in another direction

when I cannot see what's going on

under my nose

I look up my sky

ours sometimes

and stands hopeful in the night

I suppose in dark nights

with nothing to portray

what really makes sense 

I find myself behind quivering

mass of emotions 

lying awake

the little waves rushes 

into bigger notions and collapses

at the touch of my hand 

oh what it may whisper to my heart

that unfolds the scars under my sleeves

In Harmony with Myself

Hello Friends.

Right now, I want to release some thoughts about beauty. After a flourishing epiphany about myself, I hope you enjoy my musings.

Beauty is everywhere. Although, growing up I didn’t really put emphasis on “girlying” myself. I was surrounded by guys in my family & my personality is nearly the same as theirs. I only really cared about how I look in like 7^th grade to be completely honest. My mom was always the one who fix my clothes for me when I was a young girl. But the thing is that I didn’t base my worth on how I look but I hung out with people who did and these certain people led my insecurities to grow. I held my value over being insightful rather than setting my standards on being a popular act in school because that’s just how I rolled and how I was taught. In terms of my insecurities it smashed my principles to dust & I forgot what beauty really was. I wasn’t really bullied but I was emotionally dry in a sense that I actually thought about prioritizing being beautiful over things that make one “beautiful”. So in a nutshell, I was squished in between two views. I always just kind of felt like I was an ugly person and I just had troubles with my appearance constantly. Overall, I didn’t know what or where or how I’m supposed to act because my mind was just utterly disheveled. I brooded over my girlfriends which also kind of had the same situation that I was stuck in. But nevertheless I still hung out with them even if I didn’t always feel “at home”. On that note, my self-doubt grew. I would lie if I say I didn’t want to be admired or prominent. I mean that’s a good goal but I wanted to be looked at because of how I looked not because of my noteworthy behavior that I can possibly exhibit. It was a dense mindset that instigated lots of objections but I took it anyways.

I was generally very unhappy in that state.

 I began to read articles about life and particular people who venture paths that they genuinely enjoy. My faculties were delighted to a level that it made me think about what I would want to accomplish in life. Likewise, I took leaps from taking out handful of negative thoughts that I used to indulge in distinctively those that trigger my insecurities a whole lot. And that moment, I just instantly felt more of myself because I didn’t have to wrestle with all of these layers that hid my true self in a place so far off and deep. It was strange but it was like the first I felt beauty in a raw and crude way. And it was a very good feeling.

My insecurities still come crashing down on me but I know how to handle it properly now. Before I used to feel terrible and cover it up with random makeshift thoughts but only for the time being so it always ends up really badly & I just try to shove it out. But now, I learn to embrace it. One of my goals is to get in touch with my insecurities which may sound odd but the thing is that I must understand it in order for me to respond in the right way so when it comes I wouldn’t feel as scared.

I’m not a rare case. I now a lot of people who went or are going through the same thing as I did. And if there is something I could impart is that never let anything hinder you from believing that you are beautiful.

Appearance is the least of beauty. Pursue other things. Things that’ll encourage you to become a strong individual. Do not base yourself on girls in magazines or on what people think is beautiful. Beauty is to be discovered. Go find it.

regularity

So I chewed a few minty gums & it felt super fresh as I breathed in air (I often like that feeling).  One fact about me is that I like thinking and bursting bubbles (pun intended). So I concluded with an amalgamation of words & creative stuff!

Just kidding! My brain is literally FFFRIED at the moment!
I can't even remember the last time I was energetic guys. I sleep with my eyes open daily now...yikes.
However, I did make a lot of progress with my studies, thus far & I've been constantly writing ideas on my handy orange notebook. I appreciate the standing ovation thank you very much heh.
So instead of squeezing my brain even more, I'll just take few things out of my mind to enable it to make space for new shred of classic thoughts (I think this will be a regular thing now in my blog. I enjoy writing this kind of sort of comprised collection about the most random things)....

I've been searching about neglected dogs and other animals on shelter and it's heart-wrenching, people. I also have no clue whether or not there is a reason why I've been really enjoying writing on paper. I'm most certainly much faster on computers before, inspiration would just blaze on forth! But now, I am quicker on whatever surface I can write on which is a good thing for me. I'm tremendously impressed! I find solace on photographing small sized things & filming clips. I watched so much videos of filmmakers that are ETERRNALLY inspiring!

This is it for now. Not much, just a lil' update for y'all!

Have the best ddddaaaayyyy!

a gist of what has been going around my mind

Currently, inspiration isn't showing itself.

I guess it's just so good at ignoring me?

Well, perhaps, I hope it changes its mind soon.

I recently found my missing notebook & I wished to write on it. I had it on the table & my right hand was holding up my favorite ball point pen but it just won't touch the paper! And so my misery began. My brain is active 24/7 nowadays. Even when I'm asleep, I get dreams about cats, record stores, and back to the future. I ain't complaining but I really want to put them all down so my mind can breathe a little. I want to write about more creative stories but nothing is coming out of me. I guess the world's not ready for whatever my brain has to offer lmao.

This upcoming days & week, I am committing myself to my studies. Hey, being homeschooled is not a joke.  There are hard difficult areas to balance out the happy aka physics & the like.  All the hopes my brain lobes won't set themselves on fire.
To freshen me up, I constantly wash my face with facial cleanser & if my mood is feeling it, I exfoliate. It's procrastination, if I do say so myself!
During my breaks, I try to stay away from social media. I've had enough of those. So I'm laying low- literally. I take naps. Or quite usually, I read.

Let's get into my brain more.

AT THE VERY BACK OF MY MIND,
I'm really thinking about college courses. They fascinate in a high level & also, I still have no clue what to take, the truth is spilled!
Is it normal? Because whenever a child is asked about what he wants to be when he grows up, he'll answer right away. I've been there!
I always tell myself that a 5 year old me can help so, let's call it out.

Before, I really wanted to be a kindergarten teacher. Besides, their excellent choice of fashion, I've always thought of them as collectively understanding set of people who has lots of patience. What a dream. Plus, they get so many fan mails from their students. A normal person's longings fulfilled am I right?!

I wanted to be a business person too. It was fun to think about while it lasted. Having meeting about sales in conference room 457 was cool back then and all that. I praised my assistant quite often too which, made her like me so much as a boss.

For a few months, I also wanted to be a designer. Sketching away my ideas for a perfect wedding dress. But then, I found out that my cooperation with style is more of just like taking a shower and trying to pair items like black skinny jeans, patterned shirt, a hoodie, and a pair of flats. Not entirely saying I don't have style. Just that I don't think I'd do well in that kind of job where it really requires you to be stylish.

Let's examine my freshly updated mind to what my child self just wrote down

NOT AT ALL BAD OPTIONS,
though I'm still am undecided. It can't be that bad, I hope as I convince my whole entire self.
What I really know for sure is that I just want a simple life and not an emergency based one. I don't want to be working machine, high stress team heavy person. I have no interest in that, no sir!
My perception in college course hunting has changed a lot, I suppose. Though, those aren't bad career paths, I just don't see myself in that position. Maybe a kindergarten teacher but not quite completely.

I want to take up something that I know I'm really going to be passionate about and one day be someone I know I really wanted to be.

I  have to ponder about that more. Please do pray that my brain'll stop 180ing and changing directions and produce something that will constantly be my motivation in life.

I hope you have the most beautiful day of your life <3

hitting home,

hey hey hello, me again.

after a while, it has come to my senses, that maybe it is the time to write what has been going on down and publish yet another post in this magical place wherein, I stuff my uninhibited thoughts (I have been terrible at it, I sincerely apologize).

joy- at least for my soul & I.

the conclusion or I much prefer to be called "new end" of yet another year has passed & I cannot express in words how exceedingly gratifying it is to get to the finish line of 2015. I have come across a lot of lessons and realizations that truly spoke spectacularly in me. the duration of the past year felt as if it was only a small collection of minutes. time is really flying fast these days!

I went through exhausting internal battles that honestly, we can all resonate unto. I've had bad days that balance out amazing good days wherein I was at my freest self at the pinnacle of my turned and tumbled mountains. 

A lot happened in 2015 guys. Most of those happened in my wired inner self; I realized that I was hypersensitive about heaps of things like the way I respond badly to my daily schedule not being followed, doing house chores, writing and the like. 
In terms of relationships, I grew closer to my family and I like to keep on being open to them because I was used to always be a closed door. I handled twelve six year olds during sports camp everyday for two weeks! I learned to understand handball & how it was to be a child again. 
I made lots of art which I hardly ever do. I thought of different reasons to get out of bed. I watched Star Wars: The Force Awakens in 3D! (Kylo Ren, I want you to know that I cried over you). I was really active in my ministry in church & I can't ask for any other set of friends. 

2016 went blazing right ahead & the usual circle of emotions that I get every start of the year came crashing on me. on account of my carried memories from the previous beginning of the year, my constant mantra was to keep my head up high but that slowly got old in my days it was a bit of a fallen farmhouse towards the next months; it died on me. besides, I never really appropriated much on the purpose of that said mantra of mine that repeating it to myself didn't even powerfully reached my inner self. it served as a good reminder but it didn't drive me the way I thought it would.

so in a nutshell,  life is crazy. I got so many memories, at the moment, that I am carrying in me from 2015. THANK YOU FOR THE MEMORIES. 

I feel greatgreatgreat!

January, January, oh sweet January. I absolutely adore the freshness of it, I can tell you that much. it is like taking a swim under a beautiful weather! delightful!
I am very excited to pursue more things this year, write more, laugh more more more. 

I still believe in mantras though my last one didn't work. so my mantra this year is to think of everyday as a magnificent one, no matter what is going on; never get tired of what is essential and reasons to live- a perfect wave or small changes. Whatever it is. Keep the best moments close to me! 

Cheers! 

bona fide childhood memories

I find myself gazing out my window

 & plainly just thinking about my childhood.

Times-

Times when all I cared about was that one precious 

thing.

Be it-

Be it a beat up & dirty toy but it didn't matter the state

What mattered-

what mattered was how significant it felt

whilst playing with it. 

Or that time-

Time when I felt my most freest self. 

Running around in circles and pretending to be an 

airplane or jumping from one chair to another; conquering

mountains and incredible heights I've never imagined ever before

Don't you ever just look at that moment again of your life

so far, far away 

but realizing it has always been close to you. 

It's symbiotic relationship

the 5 year old you & the older you