sa wakas

pitong pu't isang beses ako titingin
sa buwan na nakabitin
at nag aabang
hanggang sa dumating ang mga alitaptap
palilibutan ang kapaligiran
at magdadala ng rason
kung bakit ako maniniwala ulit
dalawang mata ang aking bubuksan
babangon dahil matagal na akong naiinip;
nag-aalinlangan; nauubusan ng lakas

ang karagatan ang aking lunduyan
nais kong magbabad at maranasan
ang buhay na walang katapusan
muling masulyapan ang aking kabataan
walang ahunan
pwede bang dito nalang muna ako?
pwede bang balikan ang datihang reyalidad?

parang apoy sa kandila
madaling dumating at ganun din kabilis lumipas
mapapansin na ang tanging mananatili
ay ang mga gunita ng iyong mga
pinagdaanan
na tangan-tangan ng pangatlong pagtiklop ng
inaasahan mong alon

contemplating you

lonely
that's where you'd find me
drenched and wrapped around
the other side
of the universe reflective
ring of light
when the world is crumbling around me
something really saved me
i know it did save me
from a life that is tasteless
people
they change when they walk away
a comical yet painful thing
how friendships begin
and how they see it fit to leave you
one day
a fragment willing to stay, sunless
in a mason jar and forever
there it will be
choosing to love nowhere but from a distance

weird juice, ramen & a party platter

WEIRD JUICE; here I am again with thoughts rolling in about vulnerability. Somehow the idea of it still is strange stranger danger. I can't put it into words to state the obvious. I picture an attractive-looking, fizzling, tall glass of juice. It's replenishing when you take it in because it brings forth honesty that allows me to process things within with careful hands. This leads to gladness. Maybe sometimes pain & sorrow. But even then, there is a sense of truth that won't get entangled by junk. It remains true that pulls harder than the earth's magnetic field. I don't know if that's scientifically correct. Probably not. Point is, I'm deeply thirsty and it can only be quenched by a deep pool of weird juice. I dread it, this juice. I think now, I might know why.
I've been on this forever train for so long! I've looked out the frosted window not realizing that I'm on a journey. It's frustrating when I'm not favored with the answers. So, I create my own. I spill the juice and my real feelings get defaced by confusion; the glory of the image that I mirror fades. My face then is veiled; blocked with a ten-foot wall of pretense. The spillage leaves a mark on the seat. There are two ways in this: One, the stain remains and rots every part of myself that I once knew, the Other is one that says, "I'll let it go to the cleaner who can actually do something about it." I've epitomized both but choosing the latter continues the progress.
Vulnerability scares me because I always feel like my thoughts come in stronger, knock me down harder and I wouldn't know how to revive my tired yellow heart. But the frosted window reminds me that I only see a portion and the fading glory maybe repaired within me when I focus on taking the next step forward. Drinking the juice puts me in a place of brokenness; a state of knowing that I am fully known yet fully loved and in this same place...

...blooms transformation in grace.

RAMEN; lasting satisfaction takes so long to arrive in this train station where I've been living for 19 years. So, many resolve with something less - cup noodles.
When "relationships" becomes the topic of conversation left & right, everybody, most especially the youth, moves closer enthusiastically. They sit in a circle and exchange stories proving to be better than the other. They laugh, tease, and maybe even cry because of a love that was awakened at the wrong time. As always, I can only speak out of my own experience. I don't talk about romantic relationships all the time though, it seems to be a favorite. Not only for my own protection as I guard my heart but for others', too. I am assuming responsibility for whatever the other person takes out of my sharing.
I've seen hearts fall in love and eventually fall out of it. Though it is common knowledge that eating cup noodles is unhealthy, people still seem to like it. CUP NOODLES & I AGAINST ALL ODDS. It doesn't become healthy no matter how hard you fight it. Why do we draw away from the Best things because of impatience? Is instant gratification worth it in exchange for something that lasts? DO I really think something right can spring out of the wrong ground?
I have learned to love the truth because it matters. Yes, it matters. When I tasted the goodness of Ramen there was no point of choosing anything less. This goodness is the standard. Waiting is never easy. But most of the time what makes it extra hard, causing you & I to give up, is when we become attached with a certain thing/person that we expect to be given to us even though they aren't meant to be ours. So, our hearts chant this, "if it's meant to be then it will be." Wow, super empowering in our waiting season but when we have something specific in mind then it loses its power. That phrase declares trust in the unknown. Thus, you mustn't strive and force things to happen. Please, let it be. If you want Ramen, you have to wait.
Maturity is the point of understanding that even if you don't receive the promised Ramen,

you won't consume the cheap substitute.

& A PARTY PLATTER; an example is what it takes to lead others to be one as well. There's this sense of confidence knowing that I wasn't redeemed by corruptible things. The high call of being done with pride and selfishness makes sense in the light of the cost. I shall not live as if I were garbage; seeming to have an aim but is in fact aimless. Everything I learn in private is senseless if not exercised or shared. Fervently this potential screams obligation and ability to be sincere. The more I behold the beauty of unity and setting aside self-service, the more I am compelled to fight for it.
The sun sets and melts through the shadows of the night, I am left with my anxious heart. I deal with loneliness as I realize that the path of harmony is the path less taken. Sometimes I desire the other direction just so I can still have a group of friends to call and they'd surprise me with these gold balloons for my birthday and we'll gossip about old high school batchmates. It saddens me how I don't influence them to stand in love. Rebuke gets stuck in my throat creating nasty lumps. I just don't want to be the cause of discord so, I remain in silence. As long as I don't say anything. Just nod and laugh with them. I'm a coward.
Preserving unity must involve telling the truth to people. I offer a chicken wing platter; good for 12. And with this opportunity to connect and forge real relationships, I can set seeds of incorruptible unity upon hearts. Watch it grow together with my old oak tree. Often when I meet with the ladies I look after, I'm discouraged when only one comes along. I wonder and ponder and wonder some more about how the others are doing. Bu through great struggles, my commitment shall endure not looking back but ahead. I would rather suffer for doing right because I have spent enough time living like the world - it is a profound and foolish waste. Despite the fact that it's strange not following or participating in their parties, I'm convinced that in the view of eternity it is much better to abstain from the rules of this deceitful world.
At first, it will just be me serving a platter but the more I spur and reach out, the others will willingly offer something for the common good. I know this for sure. Manifold grace - many colored grace. Each one of us has been given something that we can utilize and dish out to build others up.

So, I will stop at nothing until the table is filled.

° FOR THE NEW WORLD °

     “It’s daunting,” said the high school student thinking ahead. She breathes the breath of stress and nervousness. The future is unknown and we lack the power to determine outcomes. Yes, in fact, it is daunting; the most daunting decision you’ll ever have to make as a student. After all, your course will shape the road ahead; what classes you will take, which friends you will make, and what career paths will open post-graduate. Though there is a bewildering variety of courses don’t fret because whichever you choose in the end, you will learn many things you wouldn’t have otherwise. 

     Consider your values. Before the world began Someone thought of you. It is such grace to be welcomed and be found in the aftermath. The story where another died to save the unlikely. When circumstances send pains to your temples; keeping you awake at the dead of night, there your values will show up. They will light up the navy blue plastered sheets of the sky like stars. Where have you been? And where are you going? The moon will illuminate the crevices of your pounding heart. Each thought will be sifted and you will feel peace. Surely Goodness is in control. 

     Consider your personality. It is not enough that researchers move to natural carbon seeps to study how ecosystems are faring. To understand how certain things affect organisms, they would have to observe it in the field. We zoom in on ourselves and zoom out on the entirety of humanity and we realize, with great excitement and worry, that everyone is prone to change. We live in the crystal blue; water flowing through. It fills and empties us over and over again until we become transparent. Our delicate shells can be affected by the new order of things; seeming alive with vibrant colors. But once we allow pretense and mesmerizing compromise into our coral reef structured intestines, we lose half of ourselves. So know where you stand and memorize the sound you hear because, through the noise, it will not be shaken. 

     Consider re-learning. What is the why behind your decision? You must have a certain molecule that reacts with the air that you breathe in to produce light. Picture the molecule to be your preparation that melts with your reality. Though even the near-ish future is unknown, you can find comfort in your promise that is protected by faith.

     Seek.

  When you catch yourself clutching your head to press your brain in; pre-packaged violent thoughts wandering in and out of you, remind yourself that abiding by the spring of living water will quench your thirst. Excite yourself for the things to come yet live fully in the moment for it will never come again. Wherever the waves take you, whether deep into the seafloor or just upon the shore, stand and watch. Making an impact in this sleeping generation can be lonely. But trust me, there is nothing more exciting than this. And when they see the radiance they will join along. It’s electric. We are creatures of the new world. Your course shall never define who you are or who you will become. 

     “I am scared,” you say. 

     We all are. All are afraid but we continue doing things anyway. Knees shaking and hands sweating. Don’t you realize that our hearts are a lot closer with one another when we realize that we don’t do things to create something new? We get to be part of something beyond us.

whose story is it?

IN THE VALLEY
caught up in the ordinariness of the world
you sit down and think about
how one day you will leave this world behind
bitterness tried to rob your joy
how dare they question your
priorities when they haven't gotten
theirs straight
but you realize that maybe
you shouldn't expect much really
it is the rotten judgment that has already
settled to see only half of the story

you never get in some sort of trouble
your life is brag-worthy
but nonetheless, you remain
quiet

THE ASCENT
a mountain is in your way
you gaze upon the cloud hanging above it
the treasure where your heart is
is higher and greater than all
you gain quiet confidence through all of this

naming the gift
even though you suffered a loss
I watched you sing your favorite song
every drop of tear was like a waterfall
but the moment it hit your lips
it glistened with gratitude
this was hard
but you did it anyways

you emerge through the seasons
through the chapters
through pages
always chasing after
what was eternal and above

cored and peeled
don't eat it yet
it is too hot

I told you it's too hot

when the time is right
when it turns golden brown
stand & watch

SOLA FIDE
this is the sound of the beginning
you could be anything — 
never superficial, the bottom line
don't forget the bottom line
you are imperishable; redeemed
by the imperishable seed that grew
salvation

there is a new order of things
as a vessel
you will rise
changed & transformed

isang sulat para sa kanya

madalas ang hinahanap ko ay ang sagot
ang lunas sa epidemya ng mga mata
kong bulag sa katotohanan

natanong ko na
saan ka na ba?
saan patungo at mukhang
nilimot mo na ang iyong
pinagmulan?

ako'y naguguluhan

ang gaan ng hangin ay
patuloy parin sa pagbuhat
sa aking pusong puno
ng damdamin

ikaw ang dagat
at ikaw ang lawak ng
kalawakan
sa wakas
narinig ko rin
sa gitna
sa ilalim ng lalim ng pangarap
ang iyong pagtawag sa akin
muli

kakapit
haharapin
ang bukas na paparating
maliwanag ang aking mga mata
malaya
malayang...malaya

paalam na sa aking nakasanayan
paalam sa nakaraan

lilisan na kasing tulin
ng isang buntong hininga

lahat ay bago sa paningin
pati narin ang aking
pagkatao at storya

napaparami ang aking mga iniisip
mga binigkas mong salita at mga
pangako
binabalikbalikan
inaalala ang aking mga pagkukulang

salamat sa bigat na aking pinagdaanan
dahil ngayon kita na kita
at wala na akong gustong gawin
kundi mapuno ng mangha

mananatili ang aking mga mata
sa iyong ganda

to: what has always been

there is hope in your eyes
it's perfect throughout the day

you wouldn't compromise
surprisingly
no one knows where all your sorrows go

you create for a new world
not for this one
it's a matter of taste
maybe perspective
or the lack thereof
in understanding your prologue
and theme

what once was
never invited to grand alumnights
or parties
in the early days and darkest of nights

it's time for a long nap
and when you wake up
you realize you care
but you're really just disassociating

there is hope in your eyes
it's perfect throughout the day

many people are afraid
that you are in color
no sense of restraint at all

while you're not perfect
your idiosyncrasies
the unknown satisfaction
from the world you live in
made you solid
pursuing purpose more than most
people want to breathe

suddenly in your counterfeit
you got to see bits of the clear water
you have never otherwise have
encountered

it's time for a long nap
and when you wake up
you realize you how different your
path is

and that's okay