Thought Life

I sit and I stare

my ears open only for the distant sounds of 

strings that move within the confines of 

a jar 

a jar that we adore

with all its stories, songs, and art 

that unknowingly cleansed every affected bone that hid 

deep into flashes of comparison

to some, it seemed dull, unconventional

no matter, it was sure and rooted on the Source

of all beauty and goodness - the wonder that lands on the eyes; 

the reward for the heart that stood its ground 

not many understand it 

the apparent decision of most people 

may deny you the opportunity to stay still;

to fill up on what is true and noble and pure 

but I beg of you

stay 

remain

abide 

fear has taught many lessons 

but courage could teach more 

even when it meant going against the grain 

sailing a river never crossed 

on a warm Tuesday when I went to quench my longing

for a bit of reflection, there you were 

the hand that held my arm 

a bright memory

a familiar memory 

I shake my head and I walk away 

I don't dare to listen to the voice that led me astray 

you left such a taste that gives me chills 

twenty-six blinks it took me

to refocus and recall that 

I must begin again at nineteen 

At Midnight, After Midnight

“Do I have anything good to contribute to where I  am planted?” I asked myself. 

In my most formative years, there has always been a desire within me that gallantly
attempts to reach some parts of the world. I wanted to  make a difference. Maybe not as big
of an impact that will spark a revolution, but an impact it will be. I wanted a change in many
different aspects of society, my home life, my inner self. Many people do not like change. It
seems stifling; too uncomfortable. They’d rather live in the confines of what they are used to
rather than testing the bounds of what’s possible and going beyond them. I was a shy kid. I
was always too afraid. I was trapped in my box of anxiety, fear, pride. My midnights were
filled with discouragement, with hopelessness, with longings.

Again, I ask, “Do I have anything, any good, that I could possibly contribute to
where I am planted?” We are all the same under the surface; searching for purpose and yet
so petrified of failure. In my nineteen years of life, I’ve learned that failure doesn’t have to
have the last word. It is what builds you up. The problem with failure is perspective. The
tragedy is not being able to envisage a new path. But can’t you see it? Failures powerfully
declare that you can start again. This time to actually do something that mattered. A new
path. A new path that you must see; where you should be. 
I’ve had my bouts of anxieties and insecurities. When I lose sight, I am then choked
by the world and it is learning to break away from words that used to torment me that allows
me to breathe again. Choosing change, walking away when you know it isn’t right,
counterfeiting the patterns of this sick world is no foolery. It is wise. Yes, unconventional,
at times, but the things that you get out of it are what get you through the tough times, and
the other times. You grow. And that’s what makes it worth it. Nothing we do where the only
reason we do it is for temporal happiness is ever worth it. You learn not to be guided by
circumstances or what the majority of people choose to do but by what purpose compelled.
Even when you’re the only one there. You arrive at a place where you lose judgment, begin
to discern and stand in truth. 
I am not here to perform a routine function. I am here to live out an extraordinary
one that only I can, the way that I am able to. Not by my own strength and not for my glory.
It’s just so much easier when we realize that life is not about us. You stop to care about what
other people think of you. It is no longer about you and me. We get to be part of something
great. You and I aren’t just called, we become chosen. Goodness unites those who heed its
call. Maybe one day I’d see you running the same race. I’d watch you and cheer you on for
your desires are earnest and love is real. 
Here’s a word of hope: though you may be in your darkest moments, the most
difficult circumstance that you don’t even know where to go anymore, something’s certain
after midnight. The dawn appears and a new day begins. So, don’t be afraid to press on.
Make a difference with the little that you have. That’s much harder than it sounds, and
sometimes in the end, so much easier than what you imagine.

Fly high. 

afternoon memories

I close my eyes
as I dwell on the first level of an old,
familiar bunk bed where it seems like
the world ceased to change.

words begin to form
and get stuck in my chest eating away
the fleshly patterns of perspective. tonight we are close
to touching the sheer fabric; the fulcrum of holding
on to each breath for as long as I can.

the wind is silent
carrying the common things that used to be
what defined my personality. every written journal entry memorializing
that innocent nine year old me chasing, floating, laughing
away. what could be more of a nostalgia that returning
to the borrowed days?

my eyes never want to open again.
I tend to hope more than I expect
as mystical as the clouds
as cruel as distance
gentle and quiet and always sure
it's getting so old

sa wakas

pitong pu't isang beses ako titingin
sa buwan na nakabitin
at nag aabang
hanggang sa dumating ang mga alitaptap
palilibutan ang kapaligiran
at magdadala ng rason
kung bakit ako maniniwala ulit
dalawang mata ang aking bubuksan
babangon dahil matagal na akong naiinip;
nag-aalinlangan; nauubusan ng lakas

ang karagatan ang aking lunduyan
nais kong magbabad at maranasan
ang buhay na walang katapusan
muling masulyapan ang aking kabataan
walang ahunan
pwede bang dito nalang muna ako?
pwede bang balikan ang datihang reyalidad?

parang apoy sa kandila
madaling dumating at ganun din kabilis lumipas
mapapansin na ang tanging mananatili
ay ang mga gunita ng iyong mga
pinagdaanan
na tangan-tangan ng pangatlong pagtiklop ng
inaasahan mong alon

contemplating you

lonely
that's where you'd find me
drenched and wrapped around
the other side
of the universe reflective
ring of light
when the world is crumbling around me
something really saved me
i know it did save me
from a life that is tasteless
people
they change when they walk away
a comical yet painful thing
how friendships begin
and how they see it fit to leave you
one day
a fragment willing to stay, sunless
in a mason jar and forever
there it will be
choosing to love nowhere but from a distance

weird juice, ramen & a party platter

WEIRD JUICE; here I am again with thoughts rolling in about vulnerability. Somehow the idea of it still is strange stranger danger. I can't put it into words to state the obvious. I picture an attractive-looking, fizzling, tall glass of juice. It's replenishing when you take it in because it brings forth honesty that allows me to process things within with careful hands. This leads to gladness. Maybe sometimes pain & sorrow. But even then, there is a sense of truth that won't get entangled by junk. It remains true that pulls harder than the earth's magnetic field. I don't know if that's scientifically correct. Probably not. Point is, I'm deeply thirsty and it can only be quenched by a deep pool of weird juice. I dread it, this juice. I think now, I might know why.
I've been on this forever train for so long! I've looked out the frosted window not realizing that I'm on a journey. It's frustrating when I'm not favored with the answers. So, I create my own. I spill the juice and my real feelings get defaced by confusion; the glory of the image that I mirror fades. My face then is veiled; blocked with a ten-foot wall of pretense. The spillage leaves a mark on the seat. There are two ways in this: One, the stain remains and rots every part of myself that I once knew, the Other is one that says, "I'll let it go to the cleaner who can actually do something about it." I've epitomized both but choosing the latter continues the progress.
Vulnerability scares me because I always feel like my thoughts come in stronger, knock me down harder and I wouldn't know how to revive my tired yellow heart. But the frosted window reminds me that I only see a portion and the fading glory maybe repaired within me when I focus on taking the next step forward. Drinking the juice puts me in a place of brokenness; a state of knowing that I am fully known yet fully loved and in this same place...

...blooms transformation in grace.

RAMEN; lasting satisfaction takes so long to arrive in this train station where I've been living for 19 years. So, many resolve with something less - cup noodles.
When "relationships" becomes the topic of conversation left & right, everybody, most especially the youth, moves closer enthusiastically. They sit in a circle and exchange stories proving to be better than the other. They laugh, tease, and maybe even cry because of a love that was awakened at the wrong time. As always, I can only speak out of my own experience. I don't talk about romantic relationships all the time though, it seems to be a favorite. Not only for my own protection as I guard my heart but for others', too. I am assuming responsibility for whatever the other person takes out of my sharing.
I've seen hearts fall in love and eventually fall out of it. Though it is common knowledge that eating cup noodles is unhealthy, people still seem to like it. CUP NOODLES & I AGAINST ALL ODDS. It doesn't become healthy no matter how hard you fight it. Why do we draw away from the Best things because of impatience? Is instant gratification worth it in exchange for something that lasts? DO I really think something right can spring out of the wrong ground?
I have learned to love the truth because it matters. Yes, it matters. When I tasted the goodness of Ramen there was no point of choosing anything less. This goodness is the standard. Waiting is never easy. But most of the time what makes it extra hard, causing you & I to give up, is when we become attached with a certain thing/person that we expect to be given to us even though they aren't meant to be ours. So, our hearts chant this, "if it's meant to be then it will be." Wow, super empowering in our waiting season but when we have something specific in mind then it loses its power. That phrase declares trust in the unknown. Thus, you mustn't strive and force things to happen. Please, let it be. If you want Ramen, you have to wait.
Maturity is the point of understanding that even if you don't receive the promised Ramen,

you won't consume the cheap substitute.

& A PARTY PLATTER; an example is what it takes to lead others to be one as well. There's this sense of confidence knowing that I wasn't redeemed by corruptible things. The high call of being done with pride and selfishness makes sense in the light of the cost. I shall not live as if I were garbage; seeming to have an aim but is in fact aimless. Everything I learn in private is senseless if not exercised or shared. Fervently this potential screams obligation and ability to be sincere. The more I behold the beauty of unity and setting aside self-service, the more I am compelled to fight for it.
The sun sets and melts through the shadows of the night, I am left with my anxious heart. I deal with loneliness as I realize that the path of harmony is the path less taken. Sometimes I desire the other direction just so I can still have a group of friends to call and they'd surprise me with these gold balloons for my birthday and we'll gossip about old high school batchmates. It saddens me how I don't influence them to stand in love. Rebuke gets stuck in my throat creating nasty lumps. I just don't want to be the cause of discord so, I remain in silence. As long as I don't say anything. Just nod and laugh with them. I'm a coward.
Preserving unity must involve telling the truth to people. I offer a chicken wing platter; good for 12. And with this opportunity to connect and forge real relationships, I can set seeds of incorruptible unity upon hearts. Watch it grow together with my old oak tree. Often when I meet with the ladies I look after, I'm discouraged when only one comes along. I wonder and ponder and wonder some more about how the others are doing. Bu through great struggles, my commitment shall endure not looking back but ahead. I would rather suffer for doing right because I have spent enough time living like the world - it is a profound and foolish waste. Despite the fact that it's strange not following or participating in their parties, I'm convinced that in the view of eternity it is much better to abstain from the rules of this deceitful world.
At first, it will just be me serving a platter but the more I spur and reach out, the others will willingly offer something for the common good. I know this for sure. Manifold grace - many colored grace. Each one of us has been given something that we can utilize and dish out to build others up.

So, I will stop at nothing until the table is filled.

° FOR THE NEW WORLD °

     “It’s daunting,” said the high school student thinking ahead. She breathes the breath of stress and nervousness. The future is unknown and we lack the power to determine outcomes. Yes, in fact, it is daunting; the most daunting decision you’ll ever have to make as a student. After all, your course will shape the road ahead; what classes you will take, which friends you will make, and what career paths will open post-graduate. Though there is a bewildering variety of courses don’t fret because whichever you choose in the end, you will learn many things you wouldn’t have otherwise. 

     Consider your values. Before the world began Someone thought of you. It is such grace to be welcomed and be found in the aftermath. The story where another died to save the unlikely. When circumstances send pains to your temples; keeping you awake at the dead of night, there your values will show up. They will light up the navy blue plastered sheets of the sky like stars. Where have you been? And where are you going? The moon will illuminate the crevices of your pounding heart. Each thought will be sifted and you will feel peace. Surely Goodness is in control. 

     Consider your personality. It is not enough that researchers move to natural carbon seeps to study how ecosystems are faring. To understand how certain things affect organisms, they would have to observe it in the field. We zoom in on ourselves and zoom out on the entirety of humanity and we realize, with great excitement and worry, that everyone is prone to change. We live in the crystal blue; water flowing through. It fills and empties us over and over again until we become transparent. Our delicate shells can be affected by the new order of things; seeming alive with vibrant colors. But once we allow pretense and mesmerizing compromise into our coral reef structured intestines, we lose half of ourselves. So know where you stand and memorize the sound you hear because, through the noise, it will not be shaken. 

     Consider re-learning. What is the why behind your decision? You must have a certain molecule that reacts with the air that you breathe in to produce light. Picture the molecule to be your preparation that melts with your reality. Though even the near-ish future is unknown, you can find comfort in your promise that is protected by faith.

     Seek.

  When you catch yourself clutching your head to press your brain in; pre-packaged violent thoughts wandering in and out of you, remind yourself that abiding by the spring of living water will quench your thirst. Excite yourself for the things to come yet live fully in the moment for it will never come again. Wherever the waves take you, whether deep into the seafloor or just upon the shore, stand and watch. Making an impact in this sleeping generation can be lonely. But trust me, there is nothing more exciting than this. And when they see the radiance they will join along. It’s electric. We are creatures of the new world. Your course shall never define who you are or who you will become. 

     “I am scared,” you say. 

     We all are. All are afraid but we continue doing things anyway. Knees shaking and hands sweating. Don’t you realize that our hearts are a lot closer with one another when we realize that we don’t do things to create something new? We get to be part of something beyond us.

whose story is it?

IN THE VALLEY
caught up in the ordinariness of the world
you sit down and think about
how one day you will leave this world behind
bitterness tried to rob your joy
how dare they question your
priorities when they haven't gotten
theirs straight
but you realize that maybe
you shouldn't expect much really
it is the rotten judgment that has already
settled to see only half of the story

you never get in some sort of trouble
your life is brag-worthy
but nonetheless, you remain
quiet

THE ASCENT
a mountain is in your way
you gaze upon the cloud hanging above it
the treasure where your heart is
is higher and greater than all
you gain quiet confidence through all of this

naming the gift
even though you suffered a loss
I watched you sing your favorite song
every drop of tear was like a waterfall
but the moment it hit your lips
it glistened with gratitude
this was hard
but you did it anyways

you emerge through the seasons
through the chapters
through pages
always chasing after
what was eternal and above

cored and peeled
don't eat it yet
it is too hot

I told you it's too hot

when the time is right
when it turns golden brown
stand & watch

SOLA FIDE
this is the sound of the beginning
you could be anything — 
never superficial, the bottom line
don't forget the bottom line
you are imperishable; redeemed
by the imperishable seed that grew
salvation

there is a new order of things
as a vessel
you will rise
changed & transformed

isang sulat para sa kanya

madalas ang hinahanap ko ay ang sagot
ang lunas sa epidemya ng mga mata
kong bulag sa katotohanan

natanong ko na
saan ka na ba?
saan patungo at mukhang
nilimot mo na ang iyong
pinagmulan?

ako'y naguguluhan

ang gaan ng hangin ay
patuloy parin sa pagbuhat
sa aking pusong puno
ng damdamin

ikaw ang dagat
at ikaw ang lawak ng
kalawakan
sa wakas
narinig ko rin
sa gitna
sa ilalim ng lalim ng pangarap
ang iyong pagtawag sa akin
muli

kakapit
haharapin
ang bukas na paparating
maliwanag ang aking mga mata
malaya
malayang...malaya

paalam na sa aking nakasanayan
paalam sa nakaraan

lilisan na kasing tulin
ng isang buntong hininga

lahat ay bago sa paningin
pati narin ang aking
pagkatao at storya

napaparami ang aking mga iniisip
mga binigkas mong salita at mga
pangako
binabalikbalikan
inaalala ang aking mga pagkukulang

salamat sa bigat na aking pinagdaanan
dahil ngayon kita na kita
at wala na akong gustong gawin
kundi mapuno ng mangha

mananatili ang aking mga mata
sa iyong ganda

to: what has always been

there is hope in your eyes
it's perfect throughout the day

you wouldn't compromise
surprisingly
no one knows where all your sorrows go

you create for a new world
not for this one
it's a matter of taste
maybe perspective
or the lack thereof
in understanding your prologue
and theme

what once was
never invited to grand alumnights
or parties
in the early days and darkest of nights

it's time for a long nap
and when you wake up
you realize you care
but you're really just disassociating

there is hope in your eyes
it's perfect throughout the day

many people are afraid
that you are in color
no sense of restraint at all

while you're not perfect
your idiosyncrasies
the unknown satisfaction
from the world you live in
made you solid
pursuing purpose more than most
people want to breathe

suddenly in your counterfeit
you got to see bits of the clear water
you have never otherwise have
encountered

it's time for a long nap
and when you wake up
you realize you how different your
path is

and that's okay

hey world, im different

there's a different kind of blindness
that is sadder than the physical
it's never seeing things unveil slowly
as they were intended  to be
never finding out what
you missed

you and I
we're made to fly
but not like this
not like the rest
not like the many thousands
of people moving
too quickly

how do you balance the
strange longing to have
something move towards you
as fast as possible
but remain in the still
and quiet present

the rhythm of their dancing
so enchanting, enthralling

I'm left with this: if joining them
I measure up to where they are
but I leave the promises meant for me
only if I remain, would it be
worth it to decamp just to hear them say,
"welcome to the club."

Goodbye, 2018 — Up The North Road

What a year it has been!

I've got the time to reflect; sift through the past events and I can attest and say that God, clearly,  has been my lifeline and navigation system. There have been a lot of downs than there are highs for me; moments of just pure discouragement and resistance to give everything because I felt like there wasn't anyone that truly hears me. Following Jesus means leaving something. And for Him to be the center of everything, I simply cannot be there. Doubts came knocking on my door as anxieties built up within me. But in those dark times, God has never failed to remind me of who He is and that I am loved no less even though, I let the world dictate my actions and that His Word became so easily washed away and drowned out because I was more attuned to my selfish desires.

The road took me places that I didn't expect it to and it came to a point of not wanting to spend time with God and the things I hear from sermons or my accountability partners, didn't matter much to me. The scales in my eyes thickened and my ears have seemed to have forgotten to be aware of God's gentle voice. It wasn't that I completely shut myself from God but I really was so stagnant that I made so little growth spiritually. I was trying hard to seem and convince myself that I have it all together when everything was slipping away; felt like I was losing control. I still read the Bible, met with my discipler, attended Sunday services, involved in a ministry but I was incredibly caught up with the illusion that I was doing okay. There were moments of longing to encounter even just a glimpse of God's glory because I felt like I couldn't breathe; a dark cloud hung over me. I was stuck on a truth that I should have already understood. Instead, I kept coming back to it because I didn't actually apply it in my life. I was going back and forth, back and forth in such a slow speed. I grew tired. I could've heard a different truth from God and knew Him better but I chose to immerse myself on social media and other distractions and that led me nowhere. I was dead, callous...unfeeling. I let circumstances drive me and I fell hard defeated when I'm supposed to be victorious in Christ. I lost sight of what I was truly waiting for. I took for granted the people around me whom I was meant to love, treasure, serve, and witness to. I kept repeating the same routine asking God to help me. But simply adding Him into my routine is not the way to go. If I want God, something has to change and I have to let go of the things that don't enable me to exalt His name to the highest place. This life I'm living is supposed to be lived for Him alone. If He gave His life away then why should I hold onto mine? I should cherish life but paradoxically hold it with open hands. 

Looking back, I was never really lonely. God has always been there; breaking chains and showing grace. I say God was my lifeline & navigation system because through all of the changes and my stubbornness, many wounds have been reopened and it hurt like hell but one thing always remained... giving me life, healing, and direction and that's my God. Soli Deo Gloria!

Cheers to 2019! To more breaking and molding!

Waiting...

my ring finger looks fragile
but I look at it repeatedly until it becomes
strong enough to be my backbone

staring at my phone
I knew that there was always something
to be frightened of;
people who crush our hands pretending to reach out
the dark shadows beneath one's bright eyes
joy leaping out of sadness

spread the word
the moon has turned its deep craters to ears that listen
the night sky takes its turn to shine

waiting for the thrilling conclusion
for



compost



to grow stories or maybe a faint structure
for you and me