02. Morning-light

Greetings! 

Here to report the story has been developing significantly…. dire. I haven’t really gotten to writing any for the narrative. But I am convinced of the overall theme. I’ve written an outline, but so far, not much of a linear storyline or depth in the plot (if there’s even a plot at all, haha!). I do have two characters who are friends and I tend to keep why they are until later. Keeping the mystery mysterious. I’ll let you know once I get around and create some sort of a logical idea behind their fellow feeling. I have a potential name for the main character. Not sure if I should know that already very early in the process, but hEhe! No near eureka occasions, but hopeful for one, about the magical element of this story. I’ll just carry on until it buds out. I’ll make sure I’ll be at the right place when it does. 

My week has been developing significantly…. good. Better than this attempt for a short story. Consistently and intentionally, I’ve been waking up at 5am (yeah-huh!)  and I proceed to doing my quiet time; learning a lot about ministry and moving on from rejections. Emotionally, it’s a lot of contemplating on and on whether I am really where I am supposed to be and doing what I should be doing. Feels a lot like breathing in and out except it’s my whole lungs that I dig for, pull out of, and push back in my body to try and understand why it still possesses this borrowed breath. It’s not confusion on my purpose, but just how am I to fulfill it; through which avenue? Am I recognized as one who is faithful? Am I mirroring Christlikeness? What is the result of my involvement? Are my lungs missing substantial air? I remember that episode from A:TLA wherein Sokka felt useless and left out by the rest of the gang being the only one who couldn’t bend. What he went through with his newfound swordmaster and how afterall, he proved to be a great warrior because of his creativity and agility was a real process. He got there because he was focused and he desired to fight for the common good. Aang, Katara, and Toph even started to miss his jokes and the color only he could serve during the time when he was training. It wasn’t the same without him. I look at myself and I wonder, what record am I willing to leave in the hearts of people? Am I focused enough? I want to be all in and exhausted, but still feel satisfied knowing that my hands are meeting their role alongside the rest of the body and that somehow, I am relieving the work of others be it that I am able to support them as they do to me. 

“Despite this lockdown, God’s mission for us to make disciples remains unchanged.” I’ve been hearing this week after week during this ecq. Each time I am encouraged to not give up on reaching out to people. I share it with whoever is willing and open. I shake the dust off my shoes when they close their doors on my face. We are moving on the next. The truth is the harvest is plenty. I don’t have to get stuck on one person who leaves me on “seen” most times (((huhuhu))). Maybe that’s the only part I get to play in that person’s journey. I pray that the seed I planted would one day grow into a tree. It’s God who causes the growth therefore, I trust that He will never stop working on that person whose faith has been battered and scarred many times over. So to you, in case you’re reading this, I hope to see you one day running the race marked out for you. God is waiting to welcome you back home. Don’t wait or hesitate until the last moment of your life to get right with Him. Dive in. Experience the joy that no sickness, trial, or even death can ever rob from you. It’s for you. He is for you. 

I watched Ang Huling El Bimbo The Musical about 5 times during its 48-hour (only!!!) streaming. At dawn, morning, afternoon, mid-afternoon, and at night. Many tears were shed in the in-betweens. When I was younger, we’d drive around and live along with OPM bands and artists playing in the background. Through the influence of my parents, our CDs (for all you 6-year olds, you may not know what those are) would have music (and films and series like Voltes V) produced years before we even took our first breath of life. I’m one to love and appreciate anything that could take me back to those wonder years. Nostalgia, no matter how bittersweet, is something I’ll always value when it comes around and presents itself through events, things, conversations, and in this case, a musical that stages and is set around the music of the genius and iconic rock-band, Eraserheads. What a classic! 

A 3-hour show. Where might this take me? The story follows two timelines around 4 friends: Hector, Emman, Anthony, and Joy. Its opening already had me questioning and I was just as confused as the characters trying to understand what mysterious life event brought them together again after 20 long years. By then, I realized that this would be a lot heavier than what they promote in the trailers. A few minutes into it, I am transplanted to a flashback filled with singing, dancing, and hope. Immediately, as the guys sang Minsan, my mind couldn’t help but but continue with the questions. What changed? I pondered. 

One of my favorite scenes was when their hands were reaching out. “Lahat ng chances. Lahat ng possibilities. Ayan na oh at ang lapit na oh! Abutin mo lang!”. They swore not to forget that moment. I was so moved by the way they stitched the songs and how the story built their seemingly unshakable friendship. And Joy! She brought such energy and dynamic that is just remarkable. I enjoyed both the louder dialogues  and the more nuanced and subtle lines; AJ’s wit and Emman’s accent! Cha Dely scenes and the friendship medley (the transition from Huwag kang Matakot to Sembreak was amazing and I cried when Joy sang Wishing Wells, for some reason. It really showed a deep sense of longing; could never listen to that song the same way.) are some of my most loved parts. Act I was soon over and now we enter the part when everything is a reason to cry about. The turn of events will really break your heart and make you mad no matter what angle you view it. Surely! That graduation scene truly wrecked me as it depicted their attempt to conceal pain. Act II showed trauma, drifting apart, hopelessness, broken promises, and the consequences of the decisions we make in life moving past generations. They all lived in darkness. Joy was deprived from really living her life because she was poor. She had no choice but to live “kahit na patapon,” around sadistic opportunists like Banlaoi. Hector, Emman, and Anthony had the capacity to achieve what they wanted in life and they did.  But I couldn’t imagine how heavy it was to wake up each day carrying so much guilt and fear. It really manifested no matter how hard they hid it. That one last Alapaap/Overdrive scene fulfilled my hope to see them one last time. So innocent and untainted. But it was more than that because this time, Ligaya was there with both her hands stretched out. For her and for Joy who never really experienced any of her dreams happen. It ended realistically. It was emotional and ultimately, eye-opening. In conclusion, I appreciate that it got many people angry, how it allowed us to feel such a deep level of regret, and talked about varied issues that are prevalent today. Let’s all fight for the many Joys in our society. Look out for one another, especially your friends before it’s too late. Sama-sama hanggang sa dulo ng mundo. Kudos to all who worked to put up this show - a masterpiece indeed. Mabuhay ang mga alagad ng sining! Mabuhay ang teatrong Pilipino! 

School might return online soon. Prayerfully in August. I’m quite sad that our journalism club will cease to operate. We won’t be able to do our welcoming soiree with our newspaper hats. But I’ll still push our presence online. It’s the only way to keep the students’ voice alive in our empty campus. Maybe through this we’ll be able to reach out to even more students beyond what we imagined. I am excited to navigate through our initial plans, adjust and watch it flourish even through this crisis. I prefer being at home, to be honest. But I’m not confident with my school’s system that really thrives with their extra-curricular activities. Not sure how they will facilitate its students now. I can already foresee piles and piles of schoolwork ahead of me. But no matter, I will do my best to comply. Can’t wait to be exhausted to death, STI. 

01. about a week ago

Okay, today marks the first day of me writing a short story. First time writing something like this, too. I’m more comfortable with poems; prose poems. For years, that’s all I ever did. But I always had short stories at the back of my mind. Furthermore, I made a goal for myself about a year ago, that the moment I reach college, one of my side projects would be to write a novel. I guess, we can start small. 

I don’t have any ideas in mind so, let’s see where this takes us -- hopefully somewhere magical. I have no storyline, no characters… no nothing. I bet this is going to be bad though, but that won’t bother me. I’m only really aiming for magical. What this journey holds for me is unknowable. I know that being here says something. I could be over there. I’m downright just standing by this statement: there are things I’ll never learn otherwise. So imma stay. Expectantly. 

As I wait for an idea to arrive, I’d like to talk to you about what is going on right now. I am sitting on my mother’s spinning chair, typing on my father’s laptop collecting dust on my fingertips, and speaking to a young lady named Erica. Trying my best to form a new friendship that is founded on grace and exceptional conversations about the goodness of our amazing Father! I foresee a solid sisterhood. More on that later. 

We are under enhanced community quarantine (ecq) because of this phenomenal COVID-19. I am a complete loner. I love that I’m at home and that the world is here to join me in this. Indoor Season 2020! It’s interesting to experience this unique time as well as seeing how everybody else is responding. However amazing it is for me that God is reuniting our family and lining up truths to absorb, it is very challenging still to build my day up properly in a sense that I could really maximize it. That has always been my struggle in my life. A point of contention that has always rendered me rootless. I am constantly compromising and stepping out of the line of the boundaries that I place. Man, I thought I’m strong. But I’m really not. I could break and bend so easily like a pretzel. Except I’m not flexible so now my back hurts. Anyway. How do I abandon letting the day go on and drag me m.o.? Well, folks, I made a schedule today. What’s more hilarious is that I’m committing to start my day as early as 5 am. 

Yesterday, we met with one of our church mentors through a zoom call (it’s the normal way of communicating nowadays). I came in thrilled with open hands. In front of me was a window. The orange 4 pm slowly setting sun that melted into the 7 pm night sky hit my skin. If you can’t tell whether or not I learned anything from a 3-hour call… I can because I truly did. So, this is me peeling the peel that covers my heart. For a while, I felt like I’ve been living under such a heavy cloud. My soul was sick; thirsty and hungry. I’ve been living off of a piece of encouragement from a devotion I had months ago when I could literally reach my hands out and receive more. So what’s keeping me stagnant? Complacency. Absolute apathy upon the path I should be taking in order for me to gratify my carnal self. I showily carve my bones to make me believe that I’m doing good, but in all honesty, I am not. I’ve been here before; it’s also not the first time I acknowledged that. I guess I’ve allowed myself too much and I sit here thirsty for even a drop of bravery and perseverance because I know how hard it is to suddenly not be the way that I used to be. I suppose the easier way of thinking about it is the reality that I can fully accede with the person I am designed to be. But folks, we are still far from arriving! For now, I’d be more grateful when I am being chiseled and pruned. That’s so much harder to do than say, I agree. To help myself, why don’t we compose a list of practical ways I can apply on a daily basis throughout this extended quarantine? Let us shall. 

~Julia’s List~

1. Waking up at 5 am - this is obviously easier said than done. But this has always been one of my biggest goals of all time! In order for me to achieve this, I guess I just have to… do it. I try to convince people that I am a morning person, but the arguments I receive from their end are too strong. I must show them that I, indeed, am. Words are cheap when it comes to resolutions. 
2. Taking care of friendships - genuinely caring for other people is personally very exhausting. I understand that we are all built to be relational somehow, but I truly dread making the first approach. I could remain quiet and still enjoy silence but... life ain’t meant to be lived for ourselves and only to fulfill our fleeting self-centered agendas. That’s just a sad epic nobody wants to ever read about. Recently, I’ve been trying to reach out to friends I haven’t talked to for long years. I want to reconnect with them because now I am beginning to understand the reason why God allowed us to meet during the time we did -- our glorious elementary days. Even though we’ve been tugged into different directions and we’ve grown to be completely new people, we’re all trying to maneuver into this age: Our Twenties! No matter how far we are from each other, I am quite eager to carve out a new sense of friendship; nothing like the ones we had when we were kids, but as young adults dealing with our circumstances this time around. With this in mind, I will try to forge a deeper connection with those around me now. Usually, what’s really stopping me from doing so, is my inability to engage. I’m just not an engaging person, I suppose. But all it takes is to listen sometimes. That goes a long way in camaraderie. 

3. Keep a prayer list - I’ve always been insecure about my prayers. I take it to be a difficult task. I often wonder if my prayers get to heaven cause I feel like they would just bounce off the ceiling and back at me. I realized through the years that praying without ceasing actually means involving God in everything. Integrating prayer in my daily routine has allowed me to do just that. I get to lift up my concerns to Him and listen well; His gentle whisper of direction and answers. I wait and watch what He does. 
4. Stay away at a safe distance from social media - I’ve meant to do this long before another decade emerged. I’d scroll until I reach the bottom of my Facebook timeline even if most of the posts are nonsensical. So, if you’re my friend there, I see you. And it’s not me being dramatic, but I am too caught up in it; addicted. Not really sure how to go on about this. In my mind, I just want to unknot myself from it as much as I can. If I can deactivate I would… but that just wouldn’t be strategic right now. I wouldn’t be able to do my #2! It’s given me that avenue to stay connected. That sounds like a lame excuse. I’ll do my best, don’t worry. I’ll use airplane mode at 10 pm, turn my notifications off, go social only at 11 am, won’t bring my phone in the bathroom, and just keep it from taking over my entire life. 
5. Think right - whatever goes on Up There flows through my heart and manifests through my actions. I have taken this discipline for granted. Naturally, when negative thoughts cross my mind, I’d just brush it off and not process how it even got there in the first place. If you’ve been spending a long time with what’s true and noble and right and pure, that every border is familiar, you won’t get knocked over by lies; thoughts that stitch themselves appealing making you believe they’re all true. Seamless. It must be real, you thought. I’m pulling close to reminding myself that my thought life is one that needs protection. Just because everybody in the queue lines up for it, doesn’t make it correct. People can be sincere and sincerely wrong. What reaches my mind can just be thought for now, but it has the capacity to crawl through my very being and corrupt my entire system. What once was just a thought is now my nature; my way of life. To combat this, I must then keep myself active in filling up my mind with thoughts of good repute, always show thanks, and think best of others. 

I’m going to continue listing things down. For now, I’m leaving you with this. I’ll return after a while and keep you updated with how the story is coming along or if it even worked out. I’m hopeful. I’m quite hopeful. Am I hopeful enough?