Wednesday, May 13

02. Morning-light

Greetings! 
Here to report the story has been developing significantly…. dire. I haven’t really gotten to writing any for the narrative. But I am convinced of the overall theme. I’ve written an outline, but so far, not much of a linear storyline or depth in the plot (if there’s even a plot at all, haha!). I do have two characters who are friends and I tend to keep why they are until later. Keeping the mystery mysterious. I’ll let you know once I get around and create some sort of a logical idea behind their fellow feeling. I have a potential name for the main character. Not sure if I should know that already very early in the process, but hEhe! No near eureka occasions, but hopeful for one, about the magical element of this story. I’ll just carry on until it buds out. I’ll make sure I’ll be at the right place when it does. 
My week has been developing significantly…. good. Better than this attempt for a short story. Consistently and intentionally, I’ve been waking up at 5am (yeah-huh!)  and I proceed to doing my quiet time; learning a lot about ministry and moving on from rejections. Emotionally, it’s a lot of contemplating on and on whether I am really where I am supposed to be and doing what I should be doing. Feels a lot like breathing in and out except it’s my whole lungs that I dig for, pull out of, and push back in my body to try and understand why it still possesses this borrowed breath. It’s not confusion on my purpose, but just how am I to fulfill it; through which avenue? Am I recognized as one who is faithful? Am I mirroring Christlikeness? What is the result of my involvement? Are my lungs missing substantial air? I remember that episode from A:TLA wherein Sokka felt useless and left out by the rest of the gang being the only one who couldn’t bend. What he went through with his newfound swordmaster and how afterall, he proved to be a great warrior because of his creativity and agility was a real process. He got there because he was focused and he desired to fight for the common good. Aang, Katara, and Toph even started to miss his jokes and the color only he could serve during the time when he was training. It wasn’t the same without him. I look at myself and I wonder, what record am I willing to leave in the hearts of people? Am I focused enough? I want to be all in and exhausted, but still feel satisfied knowing that my hands are meeting their role alongside the rest of the body and that somehow, I am relieving the work of others be it that I am able to support them as they do to me. 
“Despite this lockdown, God’s mission for us to make disciples remains unchanged.” I’ve been hearing this week after week during this ecq. Each time I am encouraged to not give up on reaching out to people. I share it with whoever is willing and open. I shake the dust off my shoes when they close their doors on my face. We are moving on the next. The truth is the harvest is plenty. I don’t have to get stuck on one person who leaves me on “seen” most times (((huhuhu))). Maybe that’s the only part I get to play in that person’s journey. I pray that the seed I planted would one day grow into a tree. It’s God who causes the growth therefore, I trust that He will never stop working on that person whose faith has been battered and scarred many times over. So to you, in case you’re reading this, I hope to see you one day running the race marked out for you. God is waiting to welcome you back home. Don’t wait or hesitate until the last moment of your life to get right with Him. Dive in. Experience the joy that no sickness, trial, or even death can ever rob from you. It’s for you. He is for you. 
I watched Ang Huling El Bimbo The Musical about 5 times during its 48-hour (only!!!) streaming. At dawn, morning, afternoon, mid-afternoon, and at night. Many tears were shed in the in-betweens. When I was younger, we’d drive around and live along with OPM bands and artists playing in the background. Through the influence of my parents, our CDs (for all you 6-year olds, you may not know what those are) would have music (and films and series like Voltes V) produced years before we even took our first breath of life. I’m one to love and appreciate anything that could take me back to those wonder years. Nostalgia, no matter how bittersweet, is something I’ll always value when it comes around and presents itself through events, things, conversations, and in this case, a musical that stages and is set around the music of the genius and iconic rock-band, Eraserheads. What a classic! 
A 3-hour show. Where might this take me? The story follows two timelines around 4 friends: Hector, Emman, Anthony, and Joy. Its opening already had me questioning and I was just as confused as the characters trying to understand what mysterious life event brought them together again after 20 long years. By then, I realized that this would be a lot heavier than what they promote in the trailers. A few minutes into it, I am transplanted to a flashback filled with singing, dancing, and hope. Immediately, as the guys sang Minsan, my mind couldn’t help but but continue with the questions. What changed? I pondered. 
One of my favorite scenes was when their hands were reaching out. “Lahat ng chances. Lahat ng possibilities. Ayan na oh at ang lapit na oh! Abutin mo lang!”. They swore not to forget that moment. I was so moved by the way they stitched the songs and how the story built their seemingly unshakable friendship. And Joy! She brought such energy and dynamic that is just remarkable. I enjoyed both the louder dialogues  and the more nuanced and subtle lines; AJ’s wit and Emman’s accent! Cha Dely scenes and the friendship medley (the transition from Huwag kang Matakot to Sembreak was amazing and I cried when Joy sang Wishing Wells, for some reason. It really showed a deep sense of longing; could never listen to that song the same way.) are some of my most loved parts. Act I was soon over and now we enter the part when everything is a reason to cry about. The turn of events will really break your heart and make you mad no matter what angle you view it. Surely! That graduation scene truly wrecked me as it depicted their attempt to conceal pain. Act II showed trauma, drifting apart, hopelessness, broken promises, and the consequences of the decisions we make in life moving past generations. They all lived in darkness. Joy was deprived from really living her life because she was poor. She had no choice but to live “kahit na patapon,” around sadistic opportunists like Banlaoi. Hector, Emman, and Anthony had the capacity to achieve what they wanted in life and they did.  But I couldn’t imagine how heavy it was to wake up each day carrying so much guilt and fear. It really manifested no matter how hard they hid it. That one last Alapaap/Overdrive scene fulfilled my hope to see them one last time. So innocent and untainted. But it was more than that because this time, Ligaya was there with both her hands stretched out. For her and for Joy who never really experienced any of her dreams happen. It ended realistically. It was emotional and ultimately, eye-opening. In conclusion, I appreciate that it got many people angry, how it allowed us to feel such a deep level of regret, and talked about varied issues that are prevalent today. Let’s all fight for the many Joys in our society. Look out for one another, especially your friends before it’s too late. Sama-sama hanggang sa dulo ng mundo. Kudos to all who worked to put up this show - a masterpiece indeed. Mabuhay ang mga alagad ng sining! Mabuhay ang teatrong Pilipino! 
School might return online soon. Prayerfully in August. I’m quite sad that our journalism club will cease to operate. We won’t be able to do our welcoming soiree with our newspaper hats. But I’ll still push our presence online. It’s the only way to keep the students’ voice alive in our empty campus. Maybe through this we’ll be able to reach out to even more students beyond what we imagined. I am excited to navigate through our initial plans, adjust and watch it flourish even through this crisis. I prefer being at home, to be honest. But I’m not confident with my school’s system that really thrives with their extra-curricular activities. Not sure how they will facilitate its students now. I can already foresee piles and piles of schoolwork ahead of me. But no matter, I will do my best to comply. Can’t wait to be exhausted to death, STI. 

Sunday, May 3

01. about a week ago

Okay, today marks the first day of me writing a short story. First time writing something like this, too. I’m more comfortable with poems; prose poems. For years, that’s all I ever did. But I always had short stories at the back of my mind. Furthermore, I made a goal for myself about a year ago, that the moment I reach college, one of my side projects would be to write a novel. I guess, we can start small. 
I don’t have any ideas in mind so, let’s see where this takes us -- hopefully somewhere magical. I have no storyline, no characters… no nothing. I bet this is going to be bad though, but that won’t bother me. I’m only really aiming for magical. What this journey holds for me is unknowable. I know that being here says something. I could be over there. I’m downright just standing by this statement: there are things I’ll never learn otherwise. So imma stay. Expectantly. 
As I wait for an idea to arrive, I’d like to talk to you about what is going on right now. I am sitting on my mother’s spinning chair, typing on my father’s laptop collecting dust on my fingertips, and speaking to a young lady named Erica. Trying my best to form a new friendship that is founded on grace and exceptional conversations about the goodness of our amazing Father! I foresee a solid sisterhood. More on that later. 
We are under enhanced community quarantine (ecq) because of this phenomenal COVID-19. I am a complete loner. I love that I’m at home and that the world is here to join me in this. Indoor Season 2020! It’s interesting to experience this unique time as well as seeing how everybody else is responding. However amazing it is for me that God is reuniting our family and lining up truths to absorb, it is very challenging still to build my day up properly in a sense that I could really maximize it. That has always been my struggle in my life. A point of contention that has always rendered me rootless. I am constantly compromising and stepping out of the line of the boundaries that I place. Man, I thought I’m strong. But I’m really not. I could break and bend so easily like a pretzel. Except I’m not flexible so now my back hurts. Anyway. How do I abandon letting the day go on and drag me m.o.? Well, folks, I made a schedule today. What’s more hilarious is that I’m committing to start my day as early as 5 am. 
Yesterday, we met with one of our church mentors through a zoom call (it’s the normal way of communicating nowadays). I came in thrilled with open hands. In front of me was a window. The orange 4 pm slowly setting sun that melted into the 7 pm night sky hit my skin. If you can’t tell whether or not I learned anything from a 3-hour call… I can because I truly did. So, this is me peeling the peel that covers my heart. For a while, I felt like I’ve been living under such a heavy cloud. My soul was sick; thirsty and hungry. I’ve been living off of a piece of encouragement from a devotion I had months ago when I could literally reach my hands out and receive more. So what’s keeping me stagnant? Complacency. Absolute apathy upon the path I should be taking in order for me to gratify my carnal self. I showily carve my bones to make me believe that I’m doing good, but in all honesty, I am not. I’ve been here before; it’s also not the first time I acknowledged that. I guess I’ve allowed myself too much and I sit here thirsty for even a drop of bravery and perseverance because I know how hard it is to suddenly not be the way that I used to be. I suppose the easier way of thinking about it is the reality that I can fully accede with the person I am designed to be. But folks, we are still far from arriving! For now, I’d be more grateful when I am being chiseled and pruned. That’s so much harder to do than say, I agree. To help myself, why don’t we compose a list of practical ways I can apply on a daily basis throughout this extended quarantine? Let us shall. 

~Julia’s List~

  1. Waking up at 5 am - this is obviously easier said than done. But this has always been one of my biggest goals of all time! In order for me to achieve this, I guess I just have to… do it. I try to convince people that I am a morning person, but the arguments I receive from their end are too strong. I must show them that I, indeed, am. Words are cheap when it comes to resolutions. 
  2. Taking care of friendships - genuinely caring for other people is personally very exhausting. I understand that we are all built to be relational somehow, but I truly dread making the first approach. I could remain quiet and still enjoy silence but... life ain’t meant to be lived for ourselves and only to fulfill our fleeting self-centered agendas. That’s just a sad epic nobody wants to ever read about. Recently, I’ve been trying to reach out to friends I haven’t talked to for long years. I want to reconnect with them because now I am beginning to understand the reason why God allowed us to meet during the time we did -- our glorious elementary days. Even though we’ve been tugged into different directions and we’ve grown to be completely new people, we’re all trying to maneuver into this age: Our Twenties! No matter how far we are from each other, I am quite eager to carve out a new sense of friendship; nothing like the ones we had when we were kids, but as young adults dealing with our circumstances this time around. With this in mind, I will try to forge a deeper connection with those around me now. Usually, what’s really stopping me from doing so, is my inability to engage. I’m just not an engaging person, I suppose. But all it takes is to listen sometimes. That goes a long way in camaraderie. 
  1. Keep a prayer list - I’ve always been insecure about my prayers. I take it to be a difficult task. I often wonder if my prayers get to heaven cause I feel like they would just bounce off the ceiling and back at me. I realized through the years that praying without ceasing actually means involving God in everything. Integrating prayer in my daily routine has allowed me to do just that. I get to lift up my concerns to Him and listen well; His gentle whisper of direction and answers. I wait and watch what He does. 
  2. Stay away at a safe distance from social media - I’ve meant to do this long before another decade emerged. I’d scroll until I reach the bottom of my Facebook timeline even if most of the posts are nonsensical. So, if you’re my friend there, I see you. And it’s not me being dramatic, but I am too caught up in it; addicted. Not really sure how to go on about this. In my mind, I just want to unknot myself from it as much as I can. If I can deactivate I would… but that just wouldn’t be strategic right now. I wouldn’t be able to do my #2! It’s given me that avenue to stay connected. That sounds like a lame excuse. I’ll do my best, don’t worry. I’ll use airplane mode at 10 pm, turn my notifications off, go social only at 11 am, won’t bring my phone in the bathroom, and just keep it from taking over my entire life. 
  3. Think right - whatever goes on Up There flows through my heart and manifests through my actions. I have taken this discipline for granted. Naturally, when negative thoughts cross my mind, I’d just brush it off and not process how it even got there in the first place. If you’ve been spending a long time with what’s true and noble and right and pure, that every border is familiar, you won’t get knocked over by lies; thoughts that stitch themselves appealing making you believe they’re all true. Seamless. It must be real, you thought. I’m pulling close to reminding myself that my thought life is one that needs protection. Just because everybody in the queue lines up for it, doesn’t make it correct. People can be sincere and sincerely wrong. What reaches my mind can just be thought for now, but it has the capacity to crawl through my very being and corrupt my entire system. What once was just a thought is now my nature; my way of life. To combat this, I must then keep myself active in filling up my mind with thoughts of good repute, always show thanks, and think best of others. 

I’m going to continue listing things down. For now, I’m leaving you with this. I’ll return after a while and keep you updated with how the story is coming along or if it even worked out. I’m hopeful. I’m quite hopeful. Am I hopeful enough? 

Sunday, March 29

heartsick

Fran Pulido
I went down for a bit
most nights I am tempted to invest in
the desires of the fickle flesh
although my old self is dead
its influence still runs in my bones
my skin is illuminated
by the yellow refrigerator light — a reminder
that light will meet me in starless wild places
as it always has
but I fail to follow its voice for the enemy's
cadence is so enticing; it provides what I want
not what I need though, even though
I beg for efflorescence
I am shoved back with nothing in my tainted hands
but shame & regrets
they are my old friends
but they never knew me
eating me up as I eat all that is contrary
to who I was called to be
I am empty, suddenly heartsick
airborn worms that look non violent
sing to me the songs from when I was eleven
I cover my eyes with my hands
You remove them along with the disgusting thin film
formed above my eyelids
the skyward tale is not that complicated
but it is one bridge of clay shaped and reshaped
considering where you have been
and the choices you made
this process of pruning is pain
but I prayed for this didn't I?
my soul travels to a stream of water panting
my veins are mapped and known
let me dive right into beginnings that
I walked upon but never seen the ending
tell me how to go home
I want to return; cater the one thing I really need
to my very being

Saturday, March 28

triad

I.

even in the midst of people passing by 
it would rather stay and revisit a hidden trauma 
to ponder, a lot, thinking, "may this be the last 
you'll ever see me." 
I picked up the pieces I believed were mine 
stitched up under one of my hands, carefully structured, 
are rusted musical instruments playing for free 
engineered to awaken something in everybody 
but not one wounded would turn up even during 
the weekends
I suppose this was not as loud just yet 
I never had anybody who'd choose to be a moth 
riding on the back of a doe with me 
and stare only, single-mindedly, at the stars 
that wasn't made for us
sit and finish the murky lake's highly anticipated 
dramatic work for the stage 
there's nothing grand about it 
but it changes my anatomy with its command of 
language and grace  
carrying me fervently, violently, gently 
until I couldn't recognize the difference


II.

twenty years later, that brings us to now 
making friends as an adult and the only thing 
that could calm me is the sound of the printer, printing
pictures that my eyes are too small to truly parse 
back in the nineties where it's always morning, 
even in the afternoon, you were my kid wonder 
I still have your speeches 
memorialized monologues about time machines 
and leaving lasting legacies; I put my head up 
surmising something must be right cause I now know
what is wrong 
I can tell it apart and painstakingly refine it until it
can seamlessly be honorable and legitimate 
indeed it is wrong 
because the truth is simplistic and unembellished 
I'm fumbling to pull together fragments of what used 
to be what kept me afloat, maybe 
it's time to give it up 
times are changing and so are we 


III. 

I gravitate to a wall, where I go to be seen 
or even talk, I forge a new normal (better to be 
pursued during New Year's Eve or when you're quarantined) 
behind closed doors, it is You and my longing heart 
a world that is between boundless oceans and matters-of-fact
in my reckoning, I am exceedingly glad
the treasure that I found is beyond the reach of decay 
redeemed from the traditions of this perverse 
generation and the last; a better word was spoken 
that I must now play the noblest part; join the remnant
now is the time
this is the beginning stemming from the Cause that 
created my restored lungs to grow in the uphill climb
that was inquired for earnestly from before;
their services aren't meant 
for themselves - they were intended for me 
a sobering truth that holds my hope and future 
I am coming home and I will bring
as many as I can back to Galilee



Friday, March 13

same breath

time is quickly passing and persisting through 
the timeless thoughts that my brain produces
but it seems 
my fingers are too tired to type them 
I don't know what I want to convey here 
the words I have are but memories that 
can't properly take shape
they are wondering if ever I have them written 
behind the back of my hand 
so when I'm lost, I could return 
cause you know 
I love returning 

suddenly the night had found its voice 
the hot air is compressed in my lungs 
and it is burning in my lower back, too 
what have I been doing? 
I am not down to sleep at 3am again 
but here I am 
and I only want to be who I am 
what am I saying? 
maybe I should just close my eyes 
and feel the safety of falling 

everything, all this, so much 
under the same breath 
I left the nightlight on 
I hope I find what I am looking for 

Monday, March 2

as I grow

at the crack of dawn
I hear the bird's song above me 
the morning light gently appears
my skin turns darker than usual 
I look at the back of my hand memorizing
the words I said in the conversation 
I just had with a mirror facing towards
the box of sentimental things I hide under my bed 

my legs have garnered enough strength to 
walk a mile back and see the bigger picture 
I hope winter ends
and takes my fears as well 
kind of like how the navy blue sky 
folds back in the outer space and 
meets the brighter blue sky that envelopes 
the mornings each time your name comes around

leaving doesn't always mean changing 
so when I left I left with this in mind 
that if ever I come back I have grown and read
as many books as I could ever and loved so much 

two decades it took 
how different are your 6PM family dinners from
the ones that you took when you were eleven? 
I still don't know me and you 
and I still love dancing in the shadows of 
a mountain that with one word 
could move further and teach me lessons about
growing pains and amazing grace 

from now on
I will carry the word 'gather'
make it my active pursuit to collect myself 
no matter how hard a day could get and have my eyes
pull something out of wonder 

Wednesday, October 23

Thought Life

I sit and I stare
my ears open only for the distant sounds of 
strings that move within the confines of 
a jar 
a jar that we adore
with all its stories, songs, and art 
that unknowingly cleansed every affected bone that hid 
deep into flashes of comparison

to some, it seemed dull, unconventional
no matter, it was sure and rooted on the Source
of all beauty and goodness - the wonder that lands on the eyes; 
the reward for the heart that stood its ground 
not many understand it 
the apparent decision of most people 
may deny you the opportunity to stay still;
to fill up on what is true and noble and pure 
but I beg of you
stay 
remain
abide 

fear has taught many lessons 
but courage could teach more 
even when it meant going against the grain 
sailing a river never crossed 

on a warm Tuesday when I went to quench my longing
for a bit of reflection, there you were 
the hand that held my arm 
a bright memory
a familiar memory 
I shake my head and I walk away 
I don't dare to listen to the voice that led me astray 
you left such a taste that gives me chills 

twenty-six blinks it took me
to refocus and recall that 
I must begin again at nineteen