hey world, im different

there's a different kind of blindness
that is sadder than the physical
it's never seeing things unveil slowly
as they were intended  to be
never finding out what
you missed

you and I
we're made to fly
but not like this
not like the rest
not like the many thousands
of people moving
too quickly

how do you balance the
strange longing to have
something move towards you
as fast as possible
but remain in the still
and quiet present

the rhythm of their dancing
so enchanting, enthralling

I'm left with this: if joining them
I measure up to where they are
but I leave the promises meant for me
only if I remain, would it be
worth it to decamp just to hear them say,
"welcome to the club."

Goodbye, 2018 — Up The North Road

What a year it has been!

I've got the time to reflect; sift through the past events and I can attest and say that God, clearly,  has been my lifeline and navigation system. There have been a lot of downs than there are highs for me; moments of just pure discouragement and resistance to give everything because I felt like there wasn't anyone that truly hears me. Following Jesus means leaving something. And for Him to be the center of everything, I simply cannot be there. Doubts came knocking on my door as anxieties built up within me. But in those dark times, God has never failed to remind me of who He is and that I am loved no less even though, I let the world dictate my actions and that His Word became so easily washed away and drowned out because I was more attuned to my selfish desires.

The road took me places that I didn't expect it to and it came to a point of not wanting to spend time with God and the things I hear from sermons or my accountability partners, didn't matter much to me. The scales in my eyes thickened and my ears have seemed to have forgotten to be aware of God's gentle voice. It wasn't that I completely shut myself from God but I really was so stagnant that I made so little growth spiritually. I was trying hard to seem and convince myself that I have it all together when everything was slipping away; felt like I was losing control. I still read the Bible, met with my discipler, attended Sunday services, involved in a ministry but I was incredibly caught up with the illusion that I was doing okay. There were moments of longing to encounter even just a glimpse of God's glory because I felt like I couldn't breathe; a dark cloud hung over me. I was stuck on a truth that I should have already understood. Instead, I kept coming back to it because I didn't actually apply it in my life. I was going back and forth, back and forth in such a slow speed. I grew tired. I could've heard a different truth from God and knew Him better but I chose to immerse myself on social media and other distractions and that led me nowhere. I was dead, callous...unfeeling. I let circumstances drive me and I fell hard defeated when I'm supposed to be victorious in Christ. I lost sight of what I was truly waiting for. I took for granted the people around me whom I was meant to love, treasure, serve, and witness to. I kept repeating the same routine asking God to help me. But simply adding Him into my routine is not the way to go. If I want God, something has to change and I have to let go of the things that don't enable me to exalt His name to the highest place. This life I'm living is supposed to be lived for Him alone. If He gave His life away then why should I hold onto mine? I should cherish life but paradoxically hold it with open hands. 

Looking back, I was never really lonely. God has always been there; breaking chains and showing grace. I say God was my lifeline & navigation system because through all of the changes and my stubbornness, many wounds have been reopened and it hurt like hell but one thing always remained... giving me life, healing, and direction and that's my God. Soli Deo Gloria!

Cheers to 2019! To more breaking and molding!

Waiting...

my ring finger looks fragile
but I look at it repeatedly until it becomes
strong enough to be my backbone

staring at my phone
I knew that there was always something
to be frightened of;
people who crush our hands pretending to reach out
the dark shadows beneath one's bright eyes
joy leaping out of sadness

spread the word
the moon has turned its deep craters to ears that listen
the night sky takes its turn to shine

waiting for the thrilling conclusion
for



compost



to grow stories or maybe a faint structure
for you and me