sky full of song

i am drenched by the sky full of song
it fell from there and landed on my tongue
i savor its striking metallic taste, like that
that i garner from my old life
but it won't be regret that i harbour but
the gladness that im a different person
with a different nature
suppose for it to be understood
you have to let go of the vignette of vision
where all things that you should've known by now
must have been hiding.

it isn't like what i expected it to be at all
like i mentioned to my reflection
every little thing about your warm-blooded flesh matters
there's a reason why breathing is involuntary;
you do not have to make the effort
to pull your lungs out
and push it back again to breathe a breath.

one by one
you'd see white speckles of galaxy
appear above your skin crafted by artistry
and history shaped like trees, oak savannah
sycamore, and buckeye, the wind won't
grapple and take it away
sweep it far away, no way it can.

sheets of thin glass
softly attach to the navy blue like,
a curve joining the successive peaks of
a modulated wave; i hope you get a grip of it, too.

one
day
some
day

now
you must be hearing it

dear heart

Here I am struggling to write something and staring at the course of a blinking cursor waiting for words to crawl out my jaded brain. ~

My heart is little anxious. It pursues matters that are too great; complex wonders that I'm not yet ready to understand. It chases after the unknown and argues with each thought that arrives in ones or in twos. I feel defeated. I feel exhausted; no energy left to juice out.

My heart is thirsty. It lacks water. It lacks desparation for God. What does that mean?
My prayers have been repeated and it seems like words that flow out of my mouth fall flat - good chance they mean nothing. What does it mean to say that Jesus is my everything? What does it mean to live for His purpose? I am back at the beginning point not knowing what to do even though it was already established. My eyes drift from a far place; far from home; far from my Father.

My heart is in pain. I struggle every waking moment. Sin does not declare war. It knocks on your door and befriends you. It deceives. The devil laughs throwing his head back stirring fear to who it knows to be faithless. I may be cornered by darkness but I am subdued by the light. He delivered me and will continue to deliver me. By grace through faith, I am saved. He has called me saved. I then, must reject pride to live set apart.

My heart is broken. I try to build and put the shattered pieces back together but it ends up being done in vain. Fruitless. Brokenness is an everyday state. It took a while for me to see that. I resented being broken because I wanted to always look kept together. Choosing Jesus takes a lot of sacrifice. But what is that compared to His ultimate sacrifice? He who had no sin became sin.

Dear heart know this,

"How deep the Father's love for us                          
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory..."

We had our mid-year prayer and fasting in our church and the overall theme was "Beauty in Brokenness". I just like to share that the process of seeing my brokenness wasn't what I expected. Day one to three had me wrestling with words but God remained silent. I couldn't hear Him. I was longing for an encounter but really I wasn't desparate for it. I wasn't desparate for God. I said the same prayers and grew tired. My mind kept running in circles. I let out a breath and spent a few minutes before leaving the house to examine myself. I had to pull back because it just didn't feel right to come to God with a blocked heart and refuse to be honest with Him. God uses the operation of our choices.We must choose to let Him speak to us and then He will. No matter how many times I ask God to fill me, it would be pointless for I am a cracked pot. He needs to empty and make me whole first. And the process is painful. 

As I listened to the last message, my eyes started to well up in tears as God touched my very heart and I felt it. He spoke and I heard it. He broke me right then and there fully and completely. I was overwhelmed and I tried to resist crying in the middle of the theater. I felt a sincere kind of longing. I couldn't wait for the individual prayer time. I was expectant in my waiting. 

Though, I tell you it wasn't easy. 

I will never forget the feeling I felt that night. I saw Jesus clearer than the skies. I was lost in His eyes that looked to me so full of grace. How can a holy God treasure someone so useless? Jesus, Himself is the beauty in brokenness. I am pressed and crushed. But forth and forever, I will choose to depend and place my hope in the Lord who will never leave me nor forsake me.