A little bit of a life update!
It appears that I have not been progressing. Stuck in a liability. Stuck on an extensive dragging episode. Frankly, if anything, this already can be identified as a series. This feeling's like no other! It ravels and ravels and ravels. On and on. This is obviously a cause of my frailty and my responsibility for unlocking the door to my heart for it. I am aware and I'm really busting a gut to pull stop and drop this all off. It's deeply tiring to go on like this. It's like I'm carrying a mountain that I'm supposed to climb. Time is passing and my heart just keeps getting heavier and heavier.
Enneagram 101... I don't mind taking personality tests at all. I tend to always somehow learn a bit 'bout me and it also gives me time to assess myself; where I'm at in life. Just keep in mind that it is a construct and all constructs are flawed. I'm a 9. The Nine is the peacemaker. They essentially feel the need for peace and harmony. I like the fact that my strength is also my weakness. I desire to seek union but because of the avoidance of the potential for conflict in life, I also tend to step backward and not be fully involved. Basically, a withdrawal from life. Although, I do love being of service and valuing my personal relationships. I also love that it talks about levels of development. How am I at my healthiest and my unhealthiest self. I'm not too informed about it so, I might have to read and maybe listen to other people. I know a few do podcasts about enneagram. So, we'll see.
I think (?) I have fi na lly figured out what I want to take in college and what was hindering me from expressing it. I want to study Communications. Concentrate in Media arts/studies and minor in English or Advertising, whoo hoo. I don't want to vocalize something and then not do it or write down my dreams and then not achieve them. I will be heartbroken. But through experience and self-discovery, I live a fuller life when I'm vulnerable. I have to allow myself to risk and dream. I am a subject to change. There are things that have changed. Things are changing still. I haven't been aware of changes for it hasn't been as present in my life lately. I didn't like talking about the future because it is uncertain. That's probably why I wasn't confident of decisions that involve it. That includes the college thing. It just seems so hard to swallow. It gave me so much anxiety. I'll write more about this, ten to one. I'll let you know when I change my mind again!
We have clubs now in the homeschooling world I'm in. I attended an assembly for writing and I'm thinking of joining music as well with Zak. There isn't a definite plan yet. I only know that I have to write a 500 word material this week about anything I choose to write about. So, that's interesting. Maybe I'll write about Penguins or the word five hundred. Or observe a person. Make him my object lesson lol. I don't know.
~~
Open Letter To My Motivation
How's it been?
I have been neglecting you roughly for more than I can imagine and a normal person should have or is it just me who forgets to get a hold of their motivation on a daily basis? Maybe this is also a letter for my brain. I'm sorry. I should tug in with you more. Sometimes, I get so swamped by so much uncertainty and you get defeated. I have been living the life the way I thought it should be. I guess I just ended up putting you aside.
I have been inactive. Without you, life and my passion to make and create have been stagnant. I said I only need a simple breather but it manifested into a lazy state. I spend days delaying. Taking hours or even days to send replies to messages. I feel hazy. As if I've been busy but not really. I promise to help out now and swim through the fog. I realize that the moment I trust myself and my own brute strength then I wouldn't get anywhere. I didn't really close my door for you, I left. I thought that I would still have you behind but that's just me taking you for granted. I promise to listen and get good sleep so that I could hear you better. I will listen from now on and forget thinking too much of myself. You remind me of nature. That no matter where I go you're around me. You remind me the ocean that when I'm swayed by the harsh waves, you take me deeper until I'm drowned in your embrace. On harder days, when I feel dry, you're the splash of cold water that enables me to never quit because I'm just in the middle. I'm sorry for believing that I can do it on my own. That I can live everyday without tuning in to your voice.
I don't really know where you will lead me but I think it's time that I walk and willingly lift my eyes to your presence. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I've been living in this rabbit hole and I'm dying. My flashlight has grown faint and now it's completely gone. The things of this world are temporal and yet I still choose to hang on to them. But my heart will continue learning.
Please take my hand and teach me to dance. Teach me the better ways to look at life. Teach me to number my days and appreciate. I have a lot of dreams, you know it. But I hope that you'd help me to not get there in the wrong way with a wrong heart at the wrong time.
I don't really know how to end this but I'm really thankful for you. You are important.
Thank you for having my back, front, sides, and all angles.
All my love,
Ed